Since the vinyl resurgence of the early 2000’s, people have been curious to see which obsolete technology would become cool again, so I sat down with my rich roommate Trent, a man who always has his finger on the pulse of what is hip because he has the money to buy whatever he wants.
Here is his list:
Eight-Tracks
Look Trent, not every archaic music format is going to be vinyl. Eight-tracks were discontinued because they couldn’t rewind, they constantly got jammed, and the cassette tape was just more reliable. Yes, I know you got a great deal on those Jim Nabors albums, and I know he had a deceptively beautiful voice, but that won’t bring back the eight-track. Didn’t your parents get you a new MacBook for Christmas? Get an iPod already.
LaserDiscs
Do you know what you get if one of these bad boys get scratched? You get a hundred-dollar flying disc that isn’t even legal in most Ultimate Frisbee tournaments. Do you really want to jeopardize our team by using your scratched copy of Juwanna Mann instead of a certified disc? Yes, I know your parents can afford to pay the fine the league will hit us with, but that’s besides the damn point. You are part of a team. Quit thinking only about yourself, Trent.
Floppy Disks
Must have been nice to have mommy and daddy buy you a brand new computer to play Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? when you were five years old while some of us had to play with generic Lincoln Logs. Do you know how many floppy disks it would take to store the modern version of Carmen Sandiego? 450,692. You know who has that many floppy disks? People named Trent who never had to work for a damn thing in their life.
Divining Rod
For fuck’s sake, this isn’t even technically technology. It’s the 21st century dude, you know how we find water now? We go to the damn kitchen and turn on the faucet. BOOM, water. Besides, I have never even seen you drink anything besides LaCroix. You can’t find that with a divining rod. Idiot.
Mimeograph
Are you fucking stupid Trent? With the way printing technology has progressed since Gutenberg first invented it, it makes no fiscal sense or responsibility to use a mimeograph machine. While I agree that the smell and warmness of the copies that came off it were fantastic, there is no place in modern civilized society for a subpar printer.
Steam Locomotives
I understand your family got their wealth from the early days of freight trains, and we can both agree that steam is cleaner than diesel. But in order to transport the goods and people on today’s modern locomotives, the consistency and power that diesel provides is much needed for speed and safety purposes. Use your friggin’ head for once.
ENIAC
The first computer that weighed 30 tons, took up an entire room, and didn’t even have enough operating power to play one of your precious Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? floppy disks? That’s what’s making a comeback? ENIAC? You disgust me.
Iron Lungs
You got a set at an estate sale from the last man who ever died of polio? Shut the fuck up, Trent.