If football Sundays are sacred in America, the Super Bowl is the sporting world’s Easter. It’s one of the few times of year that you can dedicate a full day to the ruination of your body while watching some of the world’s best athletes do the same. In that spirit, here are seven Super Bowl snacks to enjoy that are about as good for your health as playing professional football.
1. Nachos Supreme
What’s more common on football Sundays than huddling up around a platter of nachos supreme? Torn ACLs, that’s what! This Sunday, watch your favorite All-Pro miss the rest of next season as his lower leg loosely dangles like the cheddar cheese hanging off your chip. Drown your depression in sour cream and bacon as your favorite player is carted off the field, towel draped over his head, wondering if he’ll ever be the same. Are you ready for some football?!
2. Pigs in a Blanket
Holding on to the pigskin is the hard part. Eating it is a pleasure! Just imagine that the tasty chemicals in pigs in a blanket are your own performance-enhancing drugs. HGH may be able to improve a player’s time in the 40-yard dash, but those unnatural preservative-drenched mini-dogs will give you a different case of the runs. You’ll excuse yourself in the middle of giving that important Monday morning presentation to high-step it to the bathroom as this Sunday treat attempts to blast through your end zone. Now that’s a super bowl situation!
3. Pretzels and Cheese Dip
Everybody knows that pretzels are a healthy snack, right? While lower in calories and fat, they are completely devoid of any useful substance, just like the NFL’s efforts to enhance player safety. Appease your palate by dipping these food facsimiles in cheese so you can swallow them as easily as the NFL’s slick PR campaign to suppress concussion research.
4. Donuts
Have you ever tried to treat yourself to half a donut only to end up eating three? Sugar is an addictive substance, so don’t beat yourself up! Instead, take comfort that many of the football players you’re watching are similarly justifying their abuse of painkillers to get on the field. You both know intellectually that you can’t do this forever but things aren’t nearly bad enough to stop now. It won’t be until the offseason that a player’s opioid addiction becomes obvious and by that time you’ll have eaten enough donuts to give yourself Type 2 diabetes.
5. Fried Chicken
Match the savagery of a high-speed helmet-to-forearm collision by ripping cooked chicken muscles from their oil-boiled bones using nothing but your hands and teeth. Don’t forget to dip those bird parts in one of several high-fat sauce options to heighten your odds of an early heart attack as you watch the injured player writhe in pain on the turf. You can pray to the dark gods of the wishbone ceremony that the fractured football fella has a speedy recovery as you rip the larger bone fragment away from your friend, basking in both victory and defeat as the clock runs out on your healthy end-of-life.
6. Pepperoni Pizza With Cheese and Pepperoni-Stuffed Crust
Regular consumption of this heart attack triple threat makes about as much sense as repeatedly launching yourself head-first into a pile of enormous human beings. Whether it be the clogged arteries of the morbidly obese or the build-up of CTE in a regularly concussed brain, you’ll be just like your favorite player as your chosen behavior slowly marches you toward a premature death. It’s America’s game!
7. Beer
If you really want to know what it’s like playing in the NFL, drink yourself into a brain cell-destroying blackout as your best player is put through the concussion protocol. Lagers, porters, IPAs – chug them all until neither of you can accurately name today’s date or your place of birth. Nothing bonds fans and players more than significant brain trauma on a Sunday afternoon.
