As a professional monster, I take pride in my appearance. I make sure my nails are free of dirt and the splattered blood on my fitted suit is fresh, all in the hopes of coming home from a hard night at work safe in the knowledge that I’ve struck fear into a handful of hearts. Three hearts, to be exact. I’ve measured.
Imagine my surprise to wake up one night to find that the source of a nation’s collective traumatization is a clown. A single being has paralyzed millions with a fear that I couldn’t inflict in my wildest nightmares, all by virtue of being a simple clown.
Needless to say, I’m a bit upset. Here we are in the scariest part of the year, the part where it’s my time to shine, and I’m being upstaged by a second-rate circus character. All my effort for nothing.
I would have never paid so much money to maintain my professionally tousled hairstyle if I had known people would cower at the sight of a cheap wig.
I wouldn’t have spent so much time before work grooming in front of my special monster-reflecting mirror if I had known that the most efficient way to meet my chaos quota was to hide my long, angular snout with uneven face paint and a red nose.
I wouldn’t have taken twelve weeks of stomping lessons, perfecting my imposing gait until my footsteps could be heard from six blocks away, if I had known what people find most creepy is shuffling in circles and disrespecting personal space.
I wouldn’t have kept my claws sharply manicured, nor would I have paid the “extra fingers surcharge,” if I had known it was a pair of regular hands that would send people running. Smaller than regular, maybe.
I wouldn’t have gone to the tattoo parlor and had these bolts installed in my head if I had known the scariest headgear was a red embroidered hat with a nonsensical slogan.
This is not the scaring I grew up with. This is not the horror I know and love.
Perhaps one day a gruesome creature will rise up from the trenches, maybe from a television show, to truly make America scary again. We can only hope. Until then, I have no choice but to go along with the trend.
Do you know where I can buy a flag pin?