I didn’t write a 6,000-word longform piece detailing how ham is the worst meat on the planet, but I could if I wanted to.
Do you hear me, National Ham Council? I could if I wanted to!
But after suffering through another ham-infested Easter, I know I can no longer stand idly by and watch as this subpar meat is prominently featured in two major holidays (Easter and Christmas) and continues to infringe on another (Thanksgiving). Not to mention the way the ham lobby has positioned its meat as somehow equal, if not superior, to other lunch meats like turkey and roast beef.
I don’t care about the religious and cultural significance to ham’s place in society – it must be stopped. We fight against morally corrupt individuals and institutions that try to hide behind the walls of religion and “tradition” all the time, and ham should experience the same rigorous fight, because if the ham truthers of the world continue to do nothing, it won’t be long before you’ll be forced to celebrate the Fourth of July, St. Patrick’s Day, Presidents’ Day, Labor Day, Columbus Day, Arbor Day and, ironically, International Happiness Day with a bland ham sandwich on white bread.
Do you hear me, National Ham Council? Keep throwing your bricks through my windows. Go ahead and leave a pig’s head in my bed. No amount of intimidation will keep me silent! No longer will I dump an entire jar of horseradish sauce on my ham just to feel something. I don’t care if the National Ham Council kidnaps my family again. I’m not going to stop until ham is finally reduced to being the second-rate meat it’s supposed to be.
So wake up, people. There’s a fight going on for your meat preferences, and the ham bastards are winning. Do the right thing and take a stand. And when the National Ham Council comes to your front door, puts the gun to your head and the ham to your lips, call their bluff and refuse to eat it. To hell with ham.
