It’s that time of year again, Grifter fanatics. We’re officially just a few days away from everyone’s favorite, anxiety-riddled holiday: Valentine’s Day!
Last year, the Grift was a little too busy grinding it out to give you girls and boys any tips on how to have an ecstasy-filled lovefest. And this year, I’ve already seen plenty of articles talking about the best places to go, what to eat, etc. It is all very mundane.
I’ve decided that to make sure you can’t-get-enoughs don’t mess up the one day where it is most probably in the bag, I’ll tell you a few things I learned the hard way. That’s right – today we’re talking about the rare times when the Grift Man didn’t handle himself too well, or let the situation spiral.
Here are my essential Valentine’s Day don’ts:
Don’t: Bring Chocolates to Bed
If you get your sweetie some chocolates, that isn’t a bad move. What is a bad move is eating all the chocolates while laying in bed the night before going out with your sweetie for Valentine’s Day and unknowingly dropping one in the bed. They will notice the brown stuff sticking to them while you’re going to town, and they will think it is poop.
Don’t: Always Go for Quantity
More dildos do not always mean more fun. Start with one and see where the night goes.
Don’t: Think That Because It Says “Valentine’s Day” on It, It Must Be Good
You might think that because a movie looks lighthearted, stars a litany of amazing actors – including Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Bradley Cooper, Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Garner, Topher Grace, Anne Hathaway, Ashton Kutcher and Queen Latifah – and has the damn name of the day in the title, it would be a good movie to watch to put your date in the mood. Don’t make the same mistakes that I’ve made.
(Yes, there are names absent from that list; take of it what you will)
Don’t: Not Care
Hate to admit it, Griftaholics, but if you actually care for someone, it will probably go better than if you don’t care. I know that sounds horribly boring, but remember, a good partner is like a good wine: drink it and get down to business!
Don’t: Hold Anything Back
Valentine’s Day is all about being intimate with the one you love, so don’t hold anything back! Sending texts to your exes detailing every dream they’ve been in since you’ve broken up – great idea! Telling your date your most depraved fantasies over dinner in a crowded restaurant – go for it! Desperately asking for a date on Facebook – why not!? Go hog wild.
Remember: If not today…when?
Have fun this Valentine’s Day, and remember to have safe sex, but not too-safe sex.