Now that you’re back to school – or maybe it’s your first time – you’re probably getting to know your new roommate. You’ll probably go through the honeymoon phase over the first two weeks as you’re excited to be getting into the swing of college, or maybe you’re excited to be living with one of your buddies from last year. But what if that person is a card-carrying lunatic? How would you know?
Here are some surefire signs:
- No consideration for lofting beds. If you’re in a dorm and your roommate doesn’t even think about doing this, he or she is a monster. It maximizes space, it makes you much cooler than that d-bag down the hall (probably Doug or Todd), and it means you have a good vantage point for things beneath you. Of course, you’re really not handy enough to loft the bed, but the idea is paramount.
- Roommate suggests not getting a TV for the room. If this happens, report them immediately to campus police for suspicious behavior. This is wrong. Their idea may be just that it’ll help productivity, but this person will likely use that “extra time” to collect roaches or God-knows-what.
- A male who wants a bed skirt or a female who doesn’t want curtains. Neither of these are to be trusted. Bed skirts have no use other than wiping boogers on them and curtains are for hating mornings. Boogers can go anywhere. Bed skirts are just an expensive Kleenex.
- Brushing teeth 3x per day. I support dental hygiene, but this is troubling behavior. Plenty of serial killers were known for their perfect smiles.*
- Asks if you’re awake after starting masturbating. I’d like to say it’s common courtesy to wait for silence before starting, but it’s probably wise to just stick to being alone. If your roommate is pleasuring him or herself while you’re in the room, well, that’s something you two should discuss on day one, I guess.
- Takes food to shower. I don’t think this one needs an explanation, but Eric Webb did it at my school and I’m pretty sure he’s in prison now.
- You come home from class and there’s a hamster tank in your room. Okay, this one might not make him/her a psychopath, but it’s going to change your life in a way that I guarantee is not good. Those things will breed, and they will breed fast. And the only way you’ll be able to get rid of them is as party favors.
- Doesn’t put up a Bluto poster. HOW CAN ANYONE POSSIBLY SURVIVE IN COLLEGE AND LET EVERYONE ELSE KNOW THAT THEY’RE COOL WITHOUT THIS POSTER?!
- Confesses to murdering one of his/her parents. This could happen, so keep an eye out. Lots of scary people out there. And not to stereotype, but this person usually seems normal. So if your roommate seems normal, it’s probably best to play it safe and have him or her arrested.
See? It’s easy to stay safe if you know what to look for in your roommate. Sure, some of the people you’ve lived with might fit some of these descriptions and they’ve never harmed a fly, but isn’t that a sign in and of itself?
And most importantly, if your roommate doesn’t fit any of these and is by all accounts pleasant and normal, that means you’re the crazy one. Cheers.
*Evidence based on nothing.