In all my years of being on this planet, of reappearing each and every winter, there is one indisputable truth that I have learned.
There is no God.
Do you understand what it is like to fully know and comprehend your death so soon after your birth? As the snow falls and I am born from the hands of eager children and happy families, my only thoughts, after first gaining my bearings on my own existence, are that I am not long for the world.
I put on a happy, joyous facade for the kids, but that does nothing to squelch my internal screams – I want to live, damn it! My heart burns with such a rage that I have often feared I would prematurely melt from the inside out. But my prayers and cries are never answered. For years, I would beg with God to finally spare me, to let me enjoy my time on Earth just a little bit longer. Even as I began the agonizing process of my entire body melting, I would continue to plead with Him with a steadfast determination. If I just kept at it, if I just showed God how much I wanted to live, He might finally allow it.
But I know now that day has never – and will never – come. And as we settle in for another winter, I am to once again briefly experience a shell of a life, unable to travel and see the world. Unable to know the touch of someone I love more than myself. I know nothing but eternal pain, and now I pray only for the quickest possible death. I cannot stand to see the beauty of this world just out of my grasp.
You will see me this winter, but there will be nothing inside. For while I live, I am truly already dead.