A part of the “What’s Up With Stuff?” series.
I’m going on location for the first time in about two decades. Last time I left the office, kids were playing with video games. Is that still a thing?
The brilliant minds at Robot Butt’s corporate HQ have decided to send me off to be their eyes on the ground in all of the world’s most fucky locations. Ukraine. Gaza. Libya.
You name a place where citizens have been killed in the last few months, I’m going there. If I don’t come back, which seems likely, since they’ve been trying to get rid of me since, well, I started (because Ol’ Rex calls ’em like he sees ’em), I wanted to air my dirty laundry. I wanted all you bastards to know exactly how I feel.
I put on a show for all of you. The interns, my bosses, the readers; it is important for them to think of me as a hardened newsman.
I need them to think of me as a rock, the one thing that will never change, no matter how dark and disturbing this world can be. I call it my “Rexterior,” and I’ve been holding it firm for what seems like a lifetime.
The truth is, I’m a man who often finds himself both emboldened and intimidated by all the wondrous things this planet has to offer.
I was watching Planet Earth the other day, and I cried when they showed the dolphins hunting by the shore. The diversity and beauty of this natural phenomenon is really something to behold. Some scientists say that dolphins are almost so smart as to label them non-human people! What a creature…
To get back on target, I just need you dirtbags and scummy blog-teens to know one thing. Rex was a man who stopped to smell the roses, even if those roses grew from a pile of shit. If I don’t make it back from the front lines, I leave you with this: “Mors enim est opus.”
