Good news, guys. Facebook is going to start using your browsing history to target ads to you. Fantastic, right? Finally, advertisements for Buzzfeed’s My Little Pony PornHub will be delivered straight to you! We truly live in amazing times. Fortunately, Facebook has made it possible to opt out of this service. And just like every other time they change the privacy policies, it’s super easy to figure out how to control your own information. Might as well call it Intuitivebook.
Here is a step-by-step tutorial on how to prevent Facebook from using your iPhone’s* browsing history for advertising:
Go To “General Settings”
Select the Settings app and choose “General.”
In the General menu there will be an option for “Restrictions.” You will need to type in or create a passcode in order to access these settings. You will also begin to hear dark voices whispering in your ear. Keep going.
Once you are there you will want to scroll down towards the bottom. The last option under Privacy is “Advertisers.” Select that.
Limit Ad Tracking
Make sure that “Limit Ad Tracking” is turned on.
This will cause your entire phone to give off an eerie glow.
Clear Off Your Dresser
Any pictures, TVs, lamps, or limited-edition Aaron Carter figurines should be removed. The dresser must be completely bare, except for two candles – one black and one blue – exactly six inches apart.
Go To The Petting Zoo With Your Little Sister
If you do not have a little sister, a niece or younger cousin will do. If all else fails, convince a young neighbor to come along with promises of candy. Once at the petting zoo, scout it out and locate where the baby ducks are kept. Then find a hiding spot.
Obtain Baby Ducks
Once the zoo has closed, you will need to steal at least three baby ducks, though five is ideal. Bring them back to your room, but let your little sister or sister analogue carry them so they can bond. Let her name them; it will make her happy.
If you haven’t already done so, make sure the candles you placed on your dresser are lit.
Sacrifice The Ducks
Kill all of the baby ducks. The more gruesome, the better. Just make sure you get a good blood splatter, the better to traumatize your sister. Make sure she witnesses the entire ordeal.
Collect The Tears
By now your little sister should be horrified and weeping uncontrollably as she begs for the whole thing to stop. Obtain her tears of sorrow and consume them. Absorb their power. You are a god now.
Prove Your Worth To Zothor
Now that he has granted you untold power, your Lord and Master Zothor demands you prove your fealty to him. Travel to the set of The Big Bang Theory and burn it down. All of it. Leave nothing but the ashes of insultingly broad comedy. Zothor is pleased. You are ready to lead his army.
Start A Cult
You first need to amass followers. Travel the lands and convince those looking for the truth to join your cause. When that fails, look for the most gullible and simplistic minds instead. Tell them the wonders of Zothor, and of his mighty wrath. Once your numbers have reached the double digits, you will be ready to fulfill Zothor’s will.
Fulfill Zothor’s Will
You along with your eleven followers must travel to Disney World and book a suite at the Polynesian Resort. Once you are all together, make a batch of raspberry Kool-Aid laced with arsenic. Have all of your followers drink the Kool-Aid, as it is the will of Zothor.
IMPORTANT: DO NOT DRINK THE KOOL-AID YOURSELF.
Once your followers have all given themselves to Zothor, stack them into a human pyramid and set the room ablaze. As the smell of your followers’ burnt flesh reaches Zothor, his bloodlust will be sated, and he will remove Facebook’s ability to use your browser history.
See how simple that is? Facebook always makes opting out of their services so very easy.
*The steps for Android users are slightly different. You will need to sacrifice four emperor penguins.
