Dear Meghan Markle,
First of all, I want to congratulate you on your acting in the show Suits, trying to make trench coats happen, and being very pretty.
However, I must address the media rumors that I’m confronted with literally every time I try to so much as buy breakfast at 7-Eleven – MEGHAN MARKLE IS ENGAGED TO PRINCE HARRY. THE QUEEN LOVES MEGHAN MARKLE. MEGHAN MARKLE & HER GIANT FUCKING ROCK. MEGHAN MARKLE POOPS SPRINKLES.
Here’s the deal: I totally believe you are capable of pooping sprinkles. If anyone can do it, it’s you. I’m also going to give you the benefit of the doubt in terms of understanding the nature of my relationship with Harry.
You see, I called dibs on Harry when we were kids. That’s original dibs. Maybe you’re not familiar with how dibs works, but when you call dibs on something, that means that it’s yours forever. I said, “I got dibs on the ginger.” Only a monster would try to interfere with that sort of sacred vow.
Obviously, you’re not a monster, you’re an impeccably groomed angel, so I guess that settles it – we’ll both be marrying Harry. Wow, what a thrilling surprise, right? Who doesn’t love to share?!
I, for one, will be honored to co-princess with you. From the moment I first learned what a princess was, I just knew that’s what I was going to be when I grow up. I’m guessing you started on Team William with all the other wannabe queens, huh?
Listen, I don’t blame you, but I just want to establish a few things: a) I have seen every episode of the The Crown seventeen times and being queen looks like A LOT of work, so we’re actually lucky to be princesses instead, b) my preference for Harry has nothing to do with William’s baldness, and c) since I’m the OG Harry-head, I shall be the head wife (see also: dibs).
You’ll get the hang of whole head wife thing – it’s not a competition per se, it’s just that I will always win because I claimed him first. But don’t worry, we will all compromise a little of our happiness. The Crown doesn’t like when you mess with tradition.
I’ve been the president of Harry’s fan club and his twin flame since we were 12. It’s a complicated mix of business, pleasure, and soulmates, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. All I want is a modest role in the monarchy, waving next to the man I love, around-the-clock servants waiting on me hand and foot, and a closet full of fancy hats shaped like birds and cupcakes and floral bouquets.
Again, I’m willing to share, provided you defer to me in all social and sexual situations – sorry, hierarchy rules!
So in summary: he’s mine or he’s ours, but he’s not exclusively yours. My horoscope says Prince Charming is ready to take it to the next level and my horoscope would never lie.
Can’t wait to meet you at the wedding! I found the date on the Internet and I will be there with wedding bells on. You’ll know it’s me because I’ll be wearing the finest David’s Bridal dress you can steal. May I suggest a beautiful white suit for you? Could be seen as a power move by the second wife, but luckily you have my approval. 😉
I went ahead and registered at CB2 so we can add some personal touches to the castle. I hope you’re excited to be part of the best triad in royal history!!!!!
Or you could just abdicate and go on the Bachelor or something. Like I said, you’re really pretty. I’m sure you’ll be fine either way!
Your Royal Highness,
Courtney Kocak (aka the real Princess Bride)
P.S. I have been practicing my posh talk. Not sure if you’re aware, but that’s a very exclusive British/American hybrid dialect, also known as Madonnaese. I certainly wouldn’t want you to feel jealous or threatened or anything, but I sound SO bloody good. Cheerio, bitch!
