A lot of people have been really freaking out about the active volcano that was just discovered in my neighborhood. And I get it, it did come as a surprise to all of us and it does kind of make you question what kind of neighborhood we’ve been living in all these years. But, that being said, I just think the hand wringing and predictions of doom are just a little over the top. I’m actually pretty hopeful. I think this volcano might just be exactly what this neighborhood needs to shake things up and bring about some much needed change.
For example, there’s that old rundown house on the corner of Maple and Elm that is a total eyesore. Whoever lives there hasn’t swept the sidewalk in ages so there’s about three years’ worth of acorns piled up. Trying to push a baby stroller through there is a nightmare! And then there is the peeling paint that is really off putting and the wild grass that is usually high enough to swallow up a medium-sized dog. Can anyone really argue that we wouldn’t all be better off if that mess was buried under a small mountain of molten lava?
And don’t even get me started on my neighbor that sits outside every night smoking weed and playing his bongos until two in the morning! Would it really be so terrible if a small rivulet of magma slowly creeped up his driveway and engulfed his house and bongos? I don’t think so. Maybe that seems a bit extreme, but if he doesn’t want to be burned alive he should stop smoking weed and playing his drums all night!
I haven’t even mentioned Fred yet, have I? Fred is my other neighbor. Yes, I’ve got weed-smoking bongo guy on one side and fucking Fred on the other. The thing about Fred is he is a complete douchebag. But he’s not one of the in-your-face douchebags who overwhelm you with their douchiness. No, he’s the subtler pick-up-your-empty-garbage-cans-and-block-your-driveway-so-you-have-to-bring-them-in kind. And then he has this way of ambushing you when you’re just trying to check your mail or let your dog crap on his yard.
There you are, just minding your own business, and suddenly Fred silently emerges from his hiding spot in the hedge or wherever. Of course, then you have to pretend to clean up after your dog and care about anything he says. The worst! How many times have I imagined Fred, just lounging around inside his hedge, being tragically overcome by a plume of sulfuric gas spewed from a bubbling hole in the ground? Many, many times.
So, all I’m saying is there is some potential upside to this volcano thing. Sure, everything seemed to be going pretty much fine before, but that was just on the macro level. Yes, we all have our nice houses with swimming pools and crown molding, but that doesn’t mean we’re not still suffering. I mean, my life looks pretty great until you learn about bongo weed guy, that trash house around the corner, and Fred. But maybe now that you know what my life is really like you will have some empathy. Maybe you can understand why I think an active volcano might be the change we need?
Of course, I often get asked, “Aren’t you worried that the volcano will destroy your home or kill your family and friends?” Volcanoes are kind of unpredictable, they say. That’s a fair point, but truthfully I’m not worried in the slightest. I can’t really explain why, but I feel like the volcano and I have a genuine connection. You know, it just seems like it’s on my side. Hey, I could be wrong. Maybe it will ultimately turn on me and I’ll end up like one of those Pompeii people, but I really don’t think that will happen. Anyway, even if there is a little risk, I’m willing to roll the dice. What do I have to lose? Nothing can be worse than Fred.
