Counselors! Take a knee.
Tomorrow’s our last day at camp, and I want to say this summer has been incredible… And that it’s my last as camp director. I know, I know- most of you cherished me, but some of you-Gene- would murder to get my job (and that’s okay- heck, maybe that’s how I got it!). Regardless of what you think of me, Mountain Mama wants to pass along her rules to running a summer camp.
Being director begins with a first impression, so greet every counselor with a smile, and wear a tight pair of jorts. Denim self-cleans, so you never have to wash them, and I like to go a size smaller because of my deep-vein thrombosis.
Memorize your campers’ names. With 464 kids, I’ve found it helpful to write names down on pieces of paper and put them into little boxes labeled “Favorites”, “Mediums”, and “Little Motherfuckers”.
Now I might be a whole Degrassi generation older than you, but we’re lustful creatures on a sensual Sahara, and counselor relations our carnal oasis. If you gave into a summer fling… Sorry I blacked out for a second. IF YOU HOOKED UP, all I ask is that you let me know as many details as possible and as slowly as you can. The only exception to that request is Gene.
Watch out for parents. Some are anxious about leaving their kid, sure, but some politically maneuver to bar you from joining their pottery studio. If that happens, I like to apply a little leverage, like making their kid grab firewood in the poison ivy. Calm down- kids can only get poison ivy once.
Oh, boy, is that the booze talking? Speaking of- I always make my own. The only startup costs are buckets, 7UP, and Jolly Ranchers, and you can get those at Dollar Tree. The stuff you’re all drinking tonight? 11 dollars.
Drugs? Confiscate them. That way, you’ll have a year’s worth to yourself when the summer ends. Mountain Mama likes her acid, and if it’s a bad batch, Mountain Mama can always sell it. Just don’t sell it to an undercover cop or, as I like to call them, “Total Genes”. Does anyone want to buy some? No? I’m never going to sell a pen.
“What to do about camp deaths”? Well, if it (allegedly) happened decades ago, cover it up and sink the body to the bottom of the lake! All you’ll have to (allegedly) deal with is a very annoying ghost, but hey- you’ll get the top job!
Like Gene’s hairline, I can see some of you are fading so I’ll wrap up. You won’t get along with everyone, but you must cherish the time you-
Gene, is that a badge? You’re a cop!? You graduated from the academy after your brother, my old boss, died at this camp?! You went undercover and became a counselor to find the truth?! You can communicate with his ghost?! Denim DOESN’T self-clean?! AW, HECK!
