If you’re like two-thirds of adult Americans, you’re probably quite confused as to why so many of today’s most important and highly-respected officials are suddenly using the phrase “Let’s go Brandon!” And not just as meaningless tweets or desperate calls for attention, but deliberately and emphatically in very public situations. Situations that, to the common observer, might even seem completely unrelated to cheering for or promoting a man whose name may or may not be Brandon, Brenden, Branden or any other similar-sounding duo-syllabic variation thereof.
But don’t worry – I think I can help clear things up.
To better explain this recent development in conservative pop culture, I, along with the help of my team of B-anon expert researchers and urban dictionary aficionados, have assembled some useful information that will not only decode this mysterious turn of phrase, but will also help determine if the application of this trending sensation is right for you.
First, let’s assess where you stand on facts. I, for one, frequently find them to be offensive and often dismissive of my personal feelings, particularly as they relate to science, empirical data, or any political perspective that could be described as somewhat non-traditional. So instead of wasting my precious time reading scholarly articles and journalistic reports to uncover the truth about matters I find troubling, I decided I would be better-served living in a reality that identifies more with my personality. A reality in which things that don’t absolutely agree with me simply don’t exist!
Not only has this made my life much easier to live, but it’s also had the added benefit of making the lives of people who challenge my beliefs a living hell. And there’s nothing quite as satisfying as owning individuals or entities that object to your point of view with a sick burn that will instantly win you whatever debate you’re having them. So if this sounds like something you might be into, then I’d like to invite you to give B-anon’s new slogan a shot.
But before you rush off to inaugurate our newest lib-owning zinger, you need to keep some basic guidelines in mind. Be judicious. You can’t just go throwing this gem of a phrase around willy-nilly. You have to be strategic about it. It has to be a situation that already has the attention of dozens of people, hundreds if you really want to do it like the pros. You also have to be sure that other like-minded people are physically present to hear you say it for the first time, so that they can be there by your side to cheer you on. Support from B-anoners like you is absolutely necessary; it’s what keeps us all forging ahead when the going gets tough.
Now, once you’ve uttered the phrase in public in front of all your new friends, you must then take an oath to protect and defend anyone and everyone who also uses the phrase, as you are all now bonded by your constitutional right to speech and civic duty to exercise it when it matters most.
Also, never apologize for using the phrase, even if you aren’t sure if it was an appropriate situation to use it. It’s always appropriate, so long as you and your entourage of patriots believe it.
Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, NEVER waste an ideal opportunity to deploy the phrase. What, you might wonder, constitutes an “ideal opportunity?” I’m glad you asked. Flying a plane across the continental U.S.? Yell it over the loudspeaker when you turn off the fasten seat belt sign or after you’ve landed and are just pulling into the gate. Hosting a campaign event to announce you’re running for public office? Use it as an answer to questions from press members you don’t like. Already holding public office? Use it to filibuster the next infrastructure bill or work it into your closing arguments when debating on the house floor. Standing outside of a grocery store because the manager insists you have to wear a mask when you, an American citizen, don’t feel like it? I’m pretty sure you know what to do at this point.
Basically, there is never a situation that these magical words can’t get you out of. So the next time you’re in a policy-driven debate and have run out of platitudes, or are annoyed at rules you don’t feel like following, or are just flat-out sick as hell of all the bullshit and feel like yelling, “Fuck you and your stupid fucking rules you piece of shit human being,” but don’t want to be judged for using offensive language or canceled or fired or put in Twitmo… just remember the phrase, “Let’s go Brandon.”
