1. Lack of Seating
The true reason for a couch, if you’re familiar, is to sit. Taking a load off on your comfy Lay-Z-Boy is one of life’s simple pleasures. After a hard day’s work at the ‘ole 9-5, nothing sounds better than plopping your fat ass onto a cushion and flipping on Netflix.
Wait, what’s this? Six white squares of varying size? Where did my couch go? Welp, I guess I’ll just go criss-cross applesauce on the floor tonight and watch Squid Game.
2. Creating Walls Between Couples and Friends
One of today’s biggest societal issues are the walls we all put up, both physically and mentally. Throw pillows do nothing to help in our seemingly endless quest to open up to one another.
“Hey babe, can I see the remote?” you ask from the western end of the softest Great Wall of China ever assembled. You quickly find you’re speaking into the void. You’ve lost all hope of communication. All because there are nine throw pillows stacked to the heavens taunting you, knowing there’s nothing you can do.
3. Repetitive Messaging
These damn throw pillows are as dumb as they are cozy. If there isn’t a snowflake pattern or a stupid shell printed on them, it’s some bland message talking down to us like we’re the idiots. When actually, THEY’RE the morons who don’t even have a human brain.
Yeah, you worthless cretin, I’m fully aware that I’m “home.” I don’t need you to “welcome” me, you paltry ignoramus. For the love of God, don’t tell me to “sit,” you unavailing dunce!
4. The Root Cause of Monotonous Conversations Around the World
Mr. Monotonous: Oh, that’s cute! What kind of design is it?
Me: Listen amigo, the last thing anyone wants to do is discuss the inner workings of one of society’s biggest threats; leave that for the big brains over at Fox News.
Mr. Monotonous: Where did you get it from?
Me: Oh, I got it from the meat market down the street. Where do you think I got it from? Amazon, like every other thing in this apartment. It was a buy one, get 73 free deal on Prime Day. Too bad you missed it.
Mr. Monotonous: I’ve been looking for something just like that!
Me: Leave me the fuck alone, I’m just trying to watch Squid Game!
5. Drowning Hazard for Small Pets
Would you rather burn to death or drown? Pretty shitty options, right? Well, these sick fuck throw pillows choose drown every time.
We’re only here because it’s important: what is your poor little ten-pound Bichon Frisé supposed to do when they fall into an unknown ocean of fluff, textures, and trim? That goddamned thing doesn’t stand a chance.
These throw pillows are murderers!
