Widespread scam and popular housewarming gift Homesick Candles has received negative reviews for releasing scents that don’t accurately portray the cities they claim to represent. They’ve chosen to pivot and address this with a new line of merchandise.
In their new “real smell” launch, here are some of the top sellers for an honest candle that smells like the authentic New York City:
1. Sorry, I Don’t Carry Cash: The ripe odor of an unshowered homeless man passing you too closely on a moving subway car. Much like the actual scenario in which this happens, this candle will force you to politely avert your eyes and pretend you don’t notice it.
2. Oopsie Poopsie: The powerful fragrance of infantile dog shit, born only moments prior and quickly finding its home on the bottom of your white sneaker. This smell will make you gasp and then make a mental note to buy new running shoes. Partners for this scent include Amazon, Nike and Adidas.
3. Attorney Up Close: The lightly sweaty smell of the back of a middle-aged man’s neck you’re pressed against during rush hour on the train home from work on a Monday. If you focus closely, you can catch notes of the stale air from the soulless legal office he works in and a lingering oil aroma from the food truck hot dog he inhaled at lunch over heavy paperwork. This should make you feel right at home.
4. Something’s in the Air: The musk of hot, industrial steam rising ominously from a manhole in the middle of a congested avenue. This scent includes a hodgepodge of notes ranging from cooking grease, gasoline and charcoal. Note that this particular candle is prone to permeating every cubic foot of your home and creates an impenetrable fog.
5. So Close But Not Actually That Close: The delectable fragrance of the lobby of a luxury high-rise apartment as you pass by. If you close your eyes and breathe in, legend has it that you can hear the faint greeting of an amicable doorman as you pass by. This candle might make you reevaluate your career, your tiny six-floor walk-up or set your sights on marrying rich, soon.
6. Urine Luck: The sickly tang of a former Dasani bottle-turned-urine-container. The smell of this candle, much like the scenario it’s based after, will catch you gasping and looking the other way before being overcome by a strong urge to wash your hands. Nothing like feeling icky in your own home!
