Speaking at the National Archives Museum, Mr. Trump vowed to counter what he called an emerging classroom narrative that “America is a wicked and racist nation,” and he said he would create a new “1776 Commission” to help “restore patriotic education to our schools.” – The New York Times
History
For the upcoming academic year, we will be moving away from textbooks and will adopt a statue-based learning approach. Students will be required to admiringly analyze monuments to American heroes, including President Trump, Robert E. Lee, Andrew Jackson and Christopher Columbus (not technically American but a very fine and important gentleman). The course will culminate in a 280-character essay outlining the merits of modern American nationalism.
English
This year’s reading list has been distilled into a series of one-page briefings consisting of large fonts and bright charts. Now, students can focus on the important parts of our country’s great works of literature, including An American Life and The Conservative Mind. The final project will be a rally-style oral presentation in which students must summarize what they took away from the reading in a way that incites blind rage from their classmates.
Math
Algebra, geometry and calculus are still included in this year’s curriculum, but there will be absolutely zero mention of the metric system. We take pride in our country’s units of measurement and will empower our students to do the same. The final project for this course is a series of break-even analyses for hotels, casinos and 1,954-mile border walls.
Foreign Language
Students are no longer required to waste their time learning Spanish, French, Italian, German or any other left-wing socialist languages. We are an America First administration and last time we checked, we speak English in America. Students can receive extra credit for reporting any of their classmates they suspect to be undocumented.
Government
We’re thrilled to give our leaders of tomorrow an inside look at our country’s most sacred institutions. Students will learn about our one branch of government, our system of unchecked presidential power imbalances and the important work the brave men of ICE are doing along our southern border. For the final project, students will be tasked with writing a biographical report on one of six pre-approved government figures, including the president, the president’s son and the president’s daughter.
Art
Liberal arts have no place in our administration’s education program. We care about our students and don’t want to expose them to the dangers of left wing creative expression. Instead, students will be given an hour block to read about the only art form that matters, The Art of the Deal.
Media Studies
Possibly the most important element of our patriotic education program, students will learn to distinguish reputable media sources like Breitbart, 8Chan and POTUS’s Twitter account from the failing New York Times, CNN and other enemies of the people. The final project will have students film their own cable news segment substantiated by alternative facts.
Religion
For far too long, faith and religion have been held out of American public schools. This year, that tyranny comes to an end. Students will finally be allowed to express their freedom of religion by studying the teachings of our one true lord Jesus Christ and our nation’s savior, Donald J. Trump.
