1) I am truly addicted
I knew I loved the mallard that my owners gave me three years ago, but I didn’t think I would struggle to live without it. My first mallard-free day was a real wake-up call. By noon, I was barking at the family and peeing on carpets throughout the house – something I have not done in years (Weeks? I’m not great with the concept of time). I told myself it had nothing to do with the mallard, but, in retrospect, it probably was about the mallard. Mallard withdrawal was worse than I could have ever imagined.
2) The mallard allowed me to avoid my problems
By day three of my cleanse, I finally stopped thinking about the mallard every second. Instead, I started to do the tedious stuff I had put off for a long time. For instance, I found a blanket I lost like two years ago. I was pretty sure I put it under a bed to hide it from the little boy that lives in the house, but I always had more important stuff to do. I also fixed the vision in my left eye by rubbing out a piece of dirt that had been bothering me for about eighteen months.
3) Getting bored is good
Life slowed down without the mallard handy to keep me entertained. In the past, whenever I got bored, I would lick my mallard. Whenever I was stressed, I would chew on my mallard. Whenever I felt lonely, I would talk to my mallard. It became my crutch.
By day five, I finally started adjusting to a mallard-less world. I went out to the backyard and found myself just watching the wind. Floating in some zen state, I watched the breeze roll through the bushes in awe of nature’s beauty, a beauty I had neglected to go chew on my mallard. Lost in mindless mallard play for so long, I had forgotten how to be alone with myself, even for just a moment.
4) I became social again
I had isolated myself from friends because of the mallard. Whereas I used to play with several dogs in the neighborhood as well as a few select friends at the dog park, I started staying in to be with my mallard. Even when I was spending time with friends, they would complain that I was focused not on them but on my mallard. Everyone seems happy to have the real me back. They told me I look healthier and happier. I believe them. It’s also really great being able to see out of my left eye.
5) I got a full night’s rest
I slept like a log before I had my mallard. Once I started bringing the mallard to bed, my sleep patterns went haywire. If I got into bed without the mallard, I might doze off, but, if I had it nearby, I would swing that damn mallard around until sunrise. I now have a rule: “No mallard in the bed after 6 p.m.”
I don’t want to live a life without my mallard – life is too short – but I do think the experience was an important reminder that a beautiful plush toy with a pitch-perfect squeak is no replacement for true friends and real experiences.
I’m a retriever and I am more than my mallard.
I am more than my mallard.
