As the leaves begin to change colors and the temperature continues to drop, the itch to get lost in the forest (figuratively speaking) intensifies. Woodland creatures and photography hipsters from all around are coming out of the woodworks to enjoy this beautiful autumn weather. However, even the most avid outdoorsmen can forget the essentials when it comes to camping.
That’s why we’ve compiled a list of the seven most useful items you’ll need when sleeping outside in the great unknown, so you’re not left wiping your ass with a giant slab of tree bark again.
1. Toilet Paper
*see above*
2. Sleeping Bag
Do you remember going over to your friend’s house when you were younger, and they would fall asleep before you two established sleeping arrangements for the night, so you were left to sleep on his or her bedroom’s cold floor without even a measly piece of cloth to keep yourself warm? And when you woke up your friend’s mom yelled at your friend for making you sleep on the floor and spanked them in front of you and you stood there and silently relished in this punishment because they deserved it for making you suffer through the night like a vagrant?
Well, imagine that but, like, ten times worse because you’re outside.
3. Cell Phone Charger
Those candies aren’t going to crush themselves. Being outside can be extremely boring and you’re going to wish you had something to keep you interested while you’re trying to find out what’s so fascinating about sitting around a campfire and roasting cheap hot dogs. You don’t even like hot dogs.
4. A Fleshlight
Believe it or not, it gets real dark in the woods and the light of the moon isn’t nearly as bright as you thi – Oh no. No, no, no. I’ve made a great error and I’ve typed all this on a typewriter. Editor’s note: Please fix this typo.
5. Your Friend That Can Sort of Play Acoustic Guitar
After cooking your food for the night, there’s no better way to enjoy the remaining embers of the starter log you bought at Walmart than to listen to Jake play something that sounds eerily similar to “Wonderwall.” As his bottle opener necklace peaks out from under his half-buttoned Henley shirt, you’ll be dazzled as the melodic sounds bounce off the trees, really emphasizing how Jake misses every fourth note.
6. A Bear to Fight Other Bears That Might Attack
Last year, the number six spot on our list belonged to “bear spray” but after what happened to our copywriter Allen, we had a team meeting and came up with what we considered a better fit for this spot. The wilderness is filled to the brim with ugly and dangerous critters. The worst of which being bears. Bears are terrifying creatures, but with your very own bear trained in Greco-Roman hand-to-hand combat, you’ll be just fine. As the old adage goes, the only way to best someone with a sword is with a bigger sword. That’s why all those Final Fantasy games had it right all along.
7. Your Love for Nature and the Great Outdoors
Otherwise you’re in for a real shitshow.
