Dear President Trump:
On Friday, June 2, you held a meeting finalizing details for the on-again, off-again summit with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un to discuss disarmament and peace between the United States and North Korea.
As you know, there was a photo taken of you with senior North Korean official Kim Yong-chol in the Oval Office as he presented you with a rather large envelope containing an oversized letter with details for the upcoming summit in Singapore.
And although many view envelopes as an outdated relic of the current mail system, we consider them the equivalent of first impressions, a firm handshake, and most importantly, the measure of a man.
Since international protocol dictates a response to such a grandiose gesture, we can only assume you’ll want to send a letter back with an envelope just as big, if not bigger.
Because of that, we think this could be a great opportunity for the Office of the President of the United States and Johnson Paper & Paper Supplies Co. to work together for our great nation.
Mr. President, our proposition is simple: We’ll make you an envelope so big, Kim Jong-un will have no choice but to say, “We’re disarming and destroying our nuclear weapons so we can have peace between our two great nations, all thanks to President Trump’s great dealmaking, and the size of his massive envelope.”
All of us at Johnson Paper & Paper Supplies Co. are well-versed in your history of lavish gestures and absolutely agree with your philosophy of winners and losers in every business deal. We assure you, this envelope will have “winner” written all over it. (Not literally, of course. We were thinking a nice eggshell with an embossment, but are always open to suggestions!)
Additionally, we’ve heard about your recent push to help struggling coal and nuclear plants as the world moves on to cleaner, more practical energy sources like wind and solar.
Much like coal and nuclear power, paper has struggled to stay relevant as technology disrupts and eliminates jobs. So this deal would not only help our paper company but the paper industry as a whole.
Because of some of the issues smaller contractors had in Puerto Rico delivering meals and restoring power after Hurricane Maria, you may be a bit hesitant to believe a small business of ten people can construct an envelope of this magnitude, but we assure you, our envelope technicians will work tirelessly to make this a reality.
Even after thirty-five years of stellar service to our clients, if this deal moves forward, we promise to be solely dedicated to your giant envelope needs. In fact, we’ve already put all our other orders on hold, and have started mock-ups by taping thousands of small envelopes together to create one big one.
So, Mr. President, although everyone at Johnson Paper & Paper Supplies Co. is encouraged to follow their own political beliefs, we feel this is a great bipartisan effort to highlight and help the small businesses that make up the backbone of this great nation.
Make Paper Great Again!
Sincerely,
Glenn Johnson
President & CEO
Johnson Paper & Paper Supplies Co.
Kenosha, WI
(P.S. We included a prepaid envelope for your response – our treat.)