Mall Santas Return to Pasture for Next 11 Months
Dec29

Mall Santas Return to Pasture for Next 11 Months

As the holiday season comes to a close, a yearly tradition returns to the Midwestern United States: The return migration of mall Santas. Each Thanksgiving, these plump, jolly creatures descend on shopping areas nationwide to brighten the days of children everywhere and listen to Christmas wishes. Early each January, they return from whence they came to begin beefing up for the next season. “It takes a lot out of you,” said Terry...

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Rapper Eve Pretty Goddamn Tired of ‘Merry Christmas, Eve!’ Jokes
Dec16

Rapper Eve Pretty Goddamn Tired of ‘Merry Christmas, Eve!’ Jokes

NEW YORK CITY – In what is a joyous time for billions of people around the world, Grammy-winning rapper Eve Jeffers-Cooper (better known as Eve) is reportedly getting pretty fucking tired of people thinking they’re clever for connecting her name with December 24th, also known as Christmas Eve. “It was so great as a kid,” said Eve, who also starred in all three Barbershop films. “It was the coolest thing to have a fun name like...

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Concussion Season Returns to Much Fanfare
Sep07

Concussion Season Returns to Much Fanfare

FOXBORO, Mass. – After the dog days of summer, in which golf, tennis, and baseball dominate the sporting landscape, sports fans nationwide are thrilled to see the return of traumatic brain injury season. Brain injury season, sometimes referred to as concussion season, sweeps the country every year, starting in late August and sometimes extending into the new year. True fans of blunt force head trauma swear it’s a lifelong...

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The Test of Time: “Same Girl,” the Best Song of All Time
Aug03

The Test of Time: “Same Girl,” the Best Song of All Time

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation. These are powerful words....

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Mike Pence Thrilled at Prospect of Being Only Second-Worst President in US History
Jun06

Mike Pence Thrilled at Prospect of Being Only Second-Worst President in US History

WASHINGTON – Vice President Mike Pence fielded questions from reporters this week, admitting that the chance to be only the second-worst president in United States history has him energized. “Look, Donald is my boss, and I have to thank him for all that he’s done,” Pence said. “But he’s setting the bar so low that if I can resist the urge to deport the gays, I’m still going to be in the top...

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