The Test of Time: “Same Girl,” the Best Song of All Time
Aug03

The Test of Time: “Same Girl,” the Best Song of All Time

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation. These are powerful words....

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Mike Pence Thrilled at Prospect of Being Only Second-Worst President in US History
Jun06

Mike Pence Thrilled at Prospect of Being Only Second-Worst President in US History

WASHINGTON – Vice President Mike Pence fielded questions from reporters this week, admitting that the chance to be only the second-worst president in United States history has him energized. “Look, Donald is my boss, and I have to thank him for all that he’s done,” Pence said. “But he’s setting the bar so low that if I can resist the urge to deport the gays, I’m still going to be in the top...

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The Test of Time: ‘Space Jam’
May31

The Test of Time: ‘Space Jam’

Space Jam is, by most accounts, a classic. It made $230 million at the box office against a budget of $80 million (a ton for 1996). It starred beloved actors from multiple generations – Bill Murray, Wayne Knight, and the Looney Tunes. It was popular enough that it still gets played on random Saturday afternoons on cable (in this case, VH1, right after White Men Can’t Jump, which is the best basketball movie of all time,...

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Trump Quiet on Twitter After Discovering New Box of Crayons
Feb23

Trump Quiet on Twitter After Discovering New Box of Crayons

WASHINGTON – According to multiple sources within the White House, the usually volatile President Trump has allowed his Twitter account to run silent for a prolonged stretch, thanks to the discovery of a fresh box of crayons. “We were talking to him about how to handle this transgender rights situation and mid-sentence he opened a drawer in his desk,” said an anonymous staffer. “His mouth just dropped open. He looked up at us...

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Whoopi Goldberg Wins Slopestyle Gold at X Games, Becomes First XEGOT
Jan27

Whoopi Goldberg Wins Slopestyle Gold at X Games, Becomes First XEGOT

ASPEN, Colo. – In a triumph spanning arts, culture, and sport, Whoopi Goldberg completed the illustrious chase for XEGOT when she landed a double-cork 900 on the final jump of the women’s Slopestyle at the X Games yesterday. Goldberg, winner of the 1990 Oscar for Best Supporting Actress in Ghost, referred to the gold medal run as one of the highlights of her career. “You know, I was nervous about hitting the switch...

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