McDonald’s Debuts New Burger Named ‘The McWidowmaker’
Mar09

McDonald’s Debuts New Burger Named ‘The McWidowmaker’

OAK BROOK, Ill. – Firmly aware of its declining sales and waning popularity among consumers, McDonald’s has decided to embrace its now-villainous reputation by unveiling a new burger called the McWidowmaker. “We like to think of this as our true heel turn,” McDonald’s CEO Steve Easterbook said. “We’re not here to appease all of you people anymore. We want the adventurers looking to test...

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Powerball Jackpot Reaches 800 Million Double Cheeseburgers
Jan08

Powerball Jackpot Reaches 800 Million Double Cheeseburgers

With no winners again this past Wednesday night, the multi-state Powerball lottery jackpot is now estimated to be worth a record-breaking 800 million double cheeseburgers. As expected, the increased jackpot makes for increased ticket sales. “Once people realized they could afford hundreds of millions of dollar-menu orders with a win, our sales have skyrocketed,” said Jack Walton, who manages a BP near St. Louis....

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McDonald’s CEO Found Huddled in Corner Muttering ‘God Forgive Me’
Jan02

McDonald’s CEO Found Huddled in Corner Muttering ‘God Forgive Me’

OAK BROOK, Ill. – McDonald’s CEO Steve Easterbrook was found repeatedly muttering “God forgive me” to himself in a secluded corner of the company’s headquarters this week, discovered only by employees who initially followed the sound of deep, painful sobbing. “He’s been there for hours,” marketing manager Terry Ruffalo said. “But no one’s too worried. We’ve seen this...

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Sandwich Artist Moves Into Cubist Phase
Nov05

Sandwich Artist Moves Into Cubist Phase

PITTSBURGH – Citing the early 20th century avant-garde art movement known as cubism as a source of inspiration, local sandwich artist and Subway employee Jamie Scott says he’s been fascinated with the idea of breaking a sandwich apart, analyzing it and reassembling it in abstract form since he started at the submarine sandwich shop three months ago. “I’d have to say I mostly draw from the work of (Georges)...

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Eating KFC Alone at Desk Somehow Not Most Depressing Part of Man’s Day
Oct16

Eating KFC Alone at Desk Somehow Not Most Depressing Part of Man’s Day

PHILADELPHIA – Coworkers were shocked to discover Friday that eating KFC chicken for lunch alone at his desk was somehow not the most crushingly depressing part of Thomas Rhodes’ day. Though he ate six drumsticks and never once used a napkin or washed his hands before returning to his computer, it ranked far from being the most hopeless element of the workday for Rhodes. Earlier in the morning, Rhodes endured a...

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