Time Traveler Report 2096: Humans, Not Vengeful Apes, Responsible for Planet’s Destruction
Jun07

Time Traveler Report 2096: Humans, Not Vengeful Apes, Responsible for Planet’s Destruction

HOUSTON – Returning from his first mission to 2096, Acromion Labs’ time-traveling researcher Bucky Tropin shocked the world today when he announced at his press conference that the eventual destruction of society was not caused by an uprising of apes, despite the predictions of several films and scientific models. Much of the general public firmly believes Earth will have undergone the rise, dawn and war of the apes by...

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Humanity Unknowingly Celebrates Final Earth Day
Apr22

Humanity Unknowingly Celebrates Final Earth Day

EARTH – Humanity celebrated the 46th annual Earth Day this year, wholly unaware that it would be the planet’s last. As revelers cheered on climate change legislation and rode their bikes to work, they remained blissfully unaware that Earth would not be celebrating a 47th Earth Day next year. “It’s simply a matter of probability,” alien lord Drexnum said from a spaceship hurtling toward Earth at...

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Dammit, I’m Gonna Have to Explain Donald Trump to My Grandchildren
Mar08

Dammit, I’m Gonna Have to Explain Donald Trump to My Grandchildren

“Grandpa, why were people so embarrassingly stupid back in your day?” That’s quite a thing for a precocious little boy or girl to ask his/her grandfather, but I know it’s coming. For every state Donald Trump wins this Republican primary season, I grow closer to the dark realization that I will one day have to answer for just what in the hell people were thinking in the year 2016. Now, I know my grandchildren...

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Doomsday Clock Scientists Wearing Hazmat Suits for Some Reason
Jan26

Doomsday Clock Scientists Wearing Hazmat Suits for Some Reason

CLASSIFIED LOCATION – With all of the world’s diplomats and most important scientists, writers, artists and athletes in attendance in an underground bunker at an undisclosed location, the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists announced Tuesday that “it’s all good” as the Doomsday Clock stayed at three minutes to midnight. “We’ll all be quite safe for years – decades to come,” said Lynn...

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These Furbies Just Woke Up and You Won’t Believe What They Had to Say
Dec01

These Furbies Just Woke Up and You Won’t Believe What They Had to Say

“Avoidlay New Yorkoo on Septembray Elevensies.” – May-Loo (fell asleep in 1999)   “An expansionlay of household debt financed with mortgage-backed securitieswoo and collateralized debt obligationlay will offer attractive rates of return-tah for banks due to higher interest on mortgages. However, the lower quality credit-boo of borrowers will ultimately cause massive defaults-loo, peaking in 2008. This will...

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