Time Traveler Report 2096: Humans, Not Vengeful Apes, Responsible for Planet’s Destruction
Jun07

Time Traveler Report 2096: Humans, Not Vengeful Apes, Responsible for Planet’s Destruction

HOUSTON – Returning from his first mission to 2096, Acromion Labs’ time-traveling researcher Bucky Tropin shocked the world today when he announced at his press conference that the eventual destruction of society was not caused by an uprising of apes, despite the predictions of several films and scientific models. Much of the general public firmly believes Earth will have undergone the rise, dawn and war of the apes by...

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Humanity Unknowingly Celebrates Final Earth Day
Apr22

Humanity Unknowingly Celebrates Final Earth Day

EARTH – Humanity celebrated the 46th annual Earth Day this year, wholly unaware that it would be the planet’s last. As revelers cheered on climate change legislation and rode their bikes to work, they remained blissfully unaware that Earth would not be celebrating a 47th Earth Day next year. “It’s simply a matter of probability,” alien lord Drexnum said from a spaceship hurtling toward Earth at...

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Doomsday Clock Scientists Wearing Hazmat Suits for Some Reason
Jan26

Doomsday Clock Scientists Wearing Hazmat Suits for Some Reason

CLASSIFIED LOCATION – With all of the world’s diplomats and most important scientists, writers, artists and athletes in attendance in an underground bunker at an undisclosed location, the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists announced Tuesday that “it’s all good” as the Doomsday Clock stayed at three minutes to midnight. “We’ll all be quite safe for years – decades to come,” said Lynn...

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As God as My Witness, I Will Kill IBM’s Watson
Nov18

As God as My Witness, I Will Kill IBM’s Watson

Is humanity really so desperate to destroy itself? Has Terminator truly taught us nothing? At the pace we’re going, not only will computers end all human life, but we’ll apparently be ready to welcome our destruction with open arms. Just look at how we treat IBM’s Watson supercomputer, which is getting closer to sentience each and every day. First, there are the commercials, like this one: Propaganda has never been...

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How Will You Serve Our Robot Masters?
Oct20

How Will You Serve Our Robot Masters?

The human race is practically begging to be annihilated by machines. With innovations such as IBM’s Watson, driverless cars, smart TVs, the Amazon Nexus and so much more, it’s clear that we’re moving closer and closer to a world where the machines will inevitably rule. Though we have fought back by destroying early incarnations of our eventual oppressive masters such as hitchBOT, this just doesn’t seem to be a...

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