Harsher Punishments Help Santa Avoid Elf Mutiny Another Year
Dec25

Harsher Punishments Help Santa Avoid Elf Mutiny Another Year

NORTH POLE – Despite increased talk of a rebellion against Santa Claus amid rampant elves’ rights violations, Santa’s Workshop operated at its usual efficient pace this Christmas season due in part to more severe punishments for detractors. “We found that the elves were no longer responding to what essentially equated to slaps on the wrist,” workshop spokesman Butter Tigglesworth said. “To ensure...

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Elf on the Shelf Arrested for Lewd Conduct
Dec10

Elf on the Shelf Arrested for Lewd Conduct

ROCHESTER, N.Y. – Early this morning, the Elf on the Shelf was escorted out of a residence by police after being charged with 16 counts of lewd conduct involving the Bunt children Michael, 11, and Ellie, 7. “It’s horrifying,” father Milton Bunt said. “I never in a million years would have thought someone staying in our house simply to spy on our children at all hours of the day and night could take such...

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Santa Won’t Be Eating Cindy’s Awful Cookies This Year
Dec04

Santa Won’t Be Eating Cindy’s Awful Cookies This Year

THE NORTH POLE – In a statement released by The North Pole Council Thursday, Santa Claus has decided against eating Cindy Watterson’s horrendous cookies again this year. “Mr. Claus is no longer going to be giving Cindy’s cookies a chance,” the Council said through a statement distributed to all North Pole residents and parents’ email accounts around the world. “Frankly, he’s already...

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