Donald Trump’s Big, Beautiful New Year’s Resolutions
Dec27

Donald Trump’s Big, Beautiful New Year’s Resolutions

Get General Kelly to like me (send him a MAGA hat). Ask Ivanka to ask Pence to ask Kelly to fire Mueller. Learn how to say “Go home!” In Mexican. Drink more Diet Coke. Check in with Rogaine to see if they’ve developed the new formula yet. Spend more time with the beautiful women in my life. And my wife and daughter (if time allows). Golf more. Check in with Judge Jeanine to find out how stupendous I’m doing as president. Ask Ivanka to...

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‘Fox & Friends’ Devotes Entire Episode to Explaining Santa Claus to Trump
Dec24

‘Fox & Friends’ Devotes Entire Episode to Explaining Santa Claus to Trump

NEW YORK – In an unusual programming move, Fox & Friends, the popular Fox News morning show that has become a ritual for President Donald Trump and a conduit for delivering messages directly to him, devoted its entire show today to explaining the concept of Santa Claus. “So he’s this magical man that has lived for thousands upon thousands of years,” said co-host Steve Doocy, looking directly into the...

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Exclusive: Donald Trump’s 2017 Letter to Santa
Dec19

Exclusive: Donald Trump’s 2017 Letter to Santa

Santa, It’s Donald, Greatest President Ever. But you know that. You have been waiting for my letter all year. You want to help Make America Great Again, I know. But so far, Santa, you have been failing! Everyone knows it. My approval ratings are very low, which is your fault, and you never got rid of journalism like I asked you last year. This was supposed to be the best year ever, but instead it is terrible! You need to fix this!...

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Other Things That Are My Favorite, According to Donald Trump’s Definition of ‘Favorite’
Dec04

Other Things That Are My Favorite, According to Donald Trump’s Definition of ‘Favorite’

“We should have a contest as to which of the Networks, plus CNN and not including Fox, is the most dishonest, corrupt and/or distorted in its political coverage of your favorite President (me). They are all bad. Winner to receive the FAKE NEWS TROPHY!”- @realDonaldTrump 1. Yellow Starburst® 2. The sound of a fork scraping the bottom of a pot 3. Stray Band-Aids on the sidewalk 4. How Dawson Leery from Dawson’s Creek always ruined...

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Dressed in Turkey Costume, Donald Trump Pardons Self
Nov22

Dressed in Turkey Costume, Donald Trump Pardons Self

WASHINGTON – In an impromptu White House press conference this morning, President Trump, clad in a tight-fitting turkey costume, pardoned himself for “being delicious” as well as “any and all federal crimes he may have committed since birth.” “This is wonderful,” Mr. Trump said in unprepared remarks. “We’re here, it’s almost Thanksgiving. Pilgrims, Indians, candied yams – so tasty – mashed potatoes, pie… Jared, tell the...

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