Trump Now Up to Two Gallons of Ice Cream With Dinner
Oct13

Trump Now Up to Two Gallons of Ice Cream With Dinner

WASHINGTON – Citing the mounting stress of the job and his increasingly insatiable sweet tooth, White House aides have confirmed that President Trump has begun consuming an average of two gallons of ice cream per night with dinner. “It started out as a manageable two scoops of ice cream while everyone else got one,” said one senior administration official. “But with each passing day, that amount has grown....

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Exclusive: Recordings From Inside the Trump White House
Oct12

Exclusive: Recordings From Inside the Trump White House

Recently, reports started circulating that White House staffers are now afraid their colleagues might be wearing wires to record conversations and turn them into the Robert Mueller investigation. The bad news for the White House staff is they’re right. But their bad news is your good news, as Robot Butt has gained access to some of these recordings to provide you with insights into the Trump White House: Attorney General Jeff...

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Mr. President, Bring Back the Chimney Sweeps
Oct06

Mr. President, Bring Back the Chimney Sweeps

Mr. President, you’ve made an awesome start toward bringing back coal mining jobs and making America great again. But what about the chimney sweeps? These unsung heroes of carbon-based employment have been over-regulated and maligned for more than a century, unable to practice their craft with the dignity their soot-covered bodies and stunted frames deserve. What gives Big Government the right to tell hard-working children that...

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Trump Becomes Stuck in Chocolate Pipe During Tour of Candy Factory
Oct05

Trump Becomes Stuck in Chocolate Pipe During Tour of Candy Factory

FRANKFORT, Ky. – During an announcement of a new tariff on foreign sugar imports at Sweet Tooth Candy Factory today, President Trump found himself stuck in an industrial chocolate extraction and transportation pipe. “We’re going to fight to get more jobs and better paying jobs for the loyal citizens of…um…,” Trump began to say to the assembled factory workers before spotting the factory’s open-top chocolate...

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Tom Price Resigns to Spend More Money With Family
Sep29

Tom Price Resigns to Spend More Money With Family

WASHINGTON – Tom Price, Secretary of the U.S. Health and Human Services Department, resigned today, claiming that he wished to take some time off and spend more money with his family. Secretary Price stated that he came to the realization that resigning from his position was far easier than paying back all of the taxpayer money he had used to fund expensive vacations for his family. “With all of the money we have saved, I think...

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