100 Words or Less: On Donald Trump
Sep29

100 Words or Less: On Donald Trump

Donald Trump is a meme from your uncle’s computer come to life, an oversized sack of medical waste someone put a tie on, Freddy Krueger’s drinking buddy in the Dream World, a particularly stout scarecrow covered in Naugahyde, a grown man experiencing the “terrible twos,” the creation of God’s fuck-up of a brother Todd, a homunculus made from old pumpkin innards, the creature in all of Woody Guthrie’s nightmares, Dr. Moreau’s third try...

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Bumbling Time Traveler Can’t Help But Wonder If Responsible for Trump Nomination
May04

Bumbling Time Traveler Can’t Help But Wonder If Responsible for Trump Nomination

OAKLAND – Screwball goof-off and noted oafish time traveler Dan Nooney is unable to shake the feeling this week that he might just be responsible for Donald Trump’s rise to the top of the Republican party. “I do a lot of time traveling, but I’m pretty clumsy,” Nooney said. “I stepped on a ton of lizard eggs from the Mesozoic Era a few weeks ago, and I couldn’t figure out the jet propulsion...

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Dammit, I’m Gonna Have to Explain Donald Trump to My Grandchildren
Mar08

Dammit, I’m Gonna Have to Explain Donald Trump to My Grandchildren

“Grandpa, why were people so embarrassingly stupid back in your day?” That’s quite a thing for a precocious little boy or girl to ask his/her grandfather, but I know it’s coming. For every state Donald Trump wins this Republican primary season, I grow closer to the dark realization that I will one day have to answer for just what in the hell people were thinking in the year 2016. Now, I know my grandchildren...

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Adolf Hitler to Use Time Machine to Stop Donald Trump
Mar07

Adolf Hitler to Use Time Machine to Stop Donald Trump

BERLIN – Supremely offended by a future politician piggybacking off his ideas, fascist dictator Adolf Hitler is considering time travel from 1940s Nazi Germany to halt the presidential candidacy of Donald Trump. “At first, I thought his campaign was amusing,” the German leader told sources. “But now I’m genuinely starting to get scared.” As one of history’s most notorious villains, Hitler has...

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Donald Trump Partners With Spencer’s Gifts on New Campaign Hats
Aug07
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