9 Clean Energy Alternatives to Nightmare Fuel
Oct31

9 Clean Energy Alternatives to Nightmare Fuel

Tidal Power (That’s Calling From Inside the House!) It’s saving you a ton, but your house is terribly flooded. Also your basement is now inhabited by some sort of lagoon creature (probably the one who got a hold of the phone)! A Barrel of Flex Fuel Under a White Sheet With Two Eye Holes Cut Out Why it donned this spooky regalia is unclear. As if the very notion of this bastard Frankenstein born of two fuels wasn’t terrifying...

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The Top 9 Avoidable National Tragedies, Had Every Civilian Been Carrying a Gun
Oct19

The Top 9 Avoidable National Tragedies, Had Every Civilian Been Carrying a Gun

1. Abraham Lincoln’s Assassination Theatergoer 1: John Wilkes Booth is making his way toward the president’s box with the intent to yell something in Latin! Theatergoer 2: Not on my watch.   2. Wall Street Crash of 1929 Stockbroker 1: My gun brings me such unbridled confidence, I believe I’ll invest another hundred thousand in the market. Stockbroker 2: Let’s all funnel more money into the already-stable...

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15 Motivational MoviePass Mantras
Sep23

15 Motivational MoviePass Mantras

1. Today is the day your MoviePass card arrives. 2. The universe intended for your MoviePass card to be delivered tomorrow. 3. Or Friday. Your MoviePass will surely be waiting for you by Friday. 4. Next Friday. 5. Saturday your MoviePass will arrive. You will see Blade Runner 2049 with Denise. The money you save on your ticket will allow you to purchase enough popcorn to be considered desirable. 6. You were strong enough to get this...

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Not All Sewer Clowns Are Eldritch Demonic Entities of Evil
Sep18

Not All Sewer Clowns Are Eldritch Demonic Entities of Evil

As a longtime performance clown of suburban septic systems, I feel it’s necessary to clear the air. Not all sewer clowns are eldritch demonic entities of evil. We’re not collectively preying on your children beneath drainage grates, confiscating their paper boats and severing their arms. That’s the first tenet of the Sewer Clown Code, as a matter of fact: To not covet the treasured limbs of surface dwellers. Like so many sewer clowns,...

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