Day After Christmas Officially Tired of Playing Second Fiddle to Black Friday
Dec28

Day After Christmas Officially Tired of Playing Second Fiddle to Black Friday

A press conference held this week to mark the holiday season turned controversial when December 26th told reporters that it has finally had it with always taking a back seat to Black Friday. Citing the abundance of “doorbuster” deals and even the special name for whichever date follows Thanksgiving, the day after Christmas announced that it’s finally taking a stand. “For thousands of years, I’ve been nothing but consistent in my...

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‘Fox & Friends’ Devotes Entire Episode to Explaining Santa Claus to Trump
Dec24

‘Fox & Friends’ Devotes Entire Episode to Explaining Santa Claus to Trump

NEW YORK – In an unusual programming move, Fox & Friends, the popular Fox News morning show that has become a ritual for President Donald Trump and a conduit for delivering messages directly to him, devoted its entire show today to explaining the concept of Santa Claus. “So he’s this magical man that has lived for thousands upon thousands of years,” said co-host Steve Doocy, looking directly into the...

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Maximize Your Dry Shampoo This Holiday Season!
Dec23

Maximize Your Dry Shampoo This Holiday Season!

Dry shampoo: A grown-ass woman’s personal Jesus Christ. If the memes are true, all of our scalps are comprised of 90% dry shampoo by the time Friday rolls around. There’s no better time than the busy holiday season to stock up. Here are a few creative ways to use your favorite powdery aerosol lady-product* this December: 1. Create a heavy layer of artificial snow on EVERYTHING! Decorative pinecones? Snow ’em up. Your paperback copy...

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South Bend Shovel Slayer Taunts Authorities in New Letter
Dec22

South Bend Shovel Slayer Taunts Authorities in New Letter

CHICAGO – Following a break in communication of nearly three decades, Chicago homicide detectives say they have received a new letter from the “South Bend Shovel Slayer,” one which supposedly details the whereabouts of nine additional “mummified” bodies. Though the full text of the letter has yet to be made available to news outlets, a key portion read in part: “Back again. To [sic] long away. Looking forword [sic] to fun. Looking...

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Holiday Greeting Suggestions for Starbucks Baristas
Dec22

Holiday Greeting Suggestions for Starbucks Baristas

Due to ongoing concerns about offending our customers through the “holiday season” by saying “Merry Christmas,” we at Starbucks decided to ask our baristas for greeting suggestions, which could then go on our holiday mugs. As “merry” symbolizes enjoyment and being of good cheer, we asked that they include it. Homophones and malapropisms were acceptable – within reason. To get their creative juices flowing, we even prepared a...

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