2016 CDC Summer Safety Recommendations
Jun21

2016 CDC Summer Safety Recommendations

Due to rising temperatures, combined with humanity finally coming to an end in a dark, festering pit of despair, the CDC recommends keeping all family members in separate rooms for the full duration of the summer. Exposure to social media, television, or traditional print media should be expressly avoided during this time, as doing so may result in agitation over one or more following: Guns Not enough guns Gorillas Not enough gorillas...

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Grade Schools Unprepared for New Strain of Cooties, CDC Warns
Apr30

Grade Schools Unprepared for New Strain of Cooties, CDC Warns

ATLANTA, Ga. – Warning of an impending public health crisis, the CDC stated today that the nation’s grade schools are dangerously unprepared for a new strain of cooties, or cootilciosis acroalgia. “Make no mistake about it, this is the worst strain of cooties we’ve seen in nearly seventy years. And I’m talking boy and girl cooties,” CDC Director Tomas Frieden said. According to the agency, this new virulent cooties strain makes...

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