5 Ways to Prove Your Superiority Over a Baby
Apr13

5 Ways to Prove Your Superiority Over a Baby

People love fawning over babies like they’re the greatest thing in the world, but they’re not. It’s not even close. Ask yourself: When has a baby ever done something cool like hit a home run or tell a hilarious joke? Never! Even more baffling is that babies can’t even perform basic functions that adults do each and every day. I’m supposed to cheer when a baby spouts gibberish and is barely able to stand...

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Professor Turns Students Into Toddlers With Single Content Warning
Oct03

Professor Turns Students Into Toddlers With Single Content Warning

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. – John Cadwell, a senior at Indiana University, sat stunned in the hallway outside his classroom with 17 other students. “I never thought my life could change so quickly,” Cadwell said. “But after the incident, I’ll never be the same. She took everything from me.” Cadwell was referring to professor June Beckley, who advised the class with a trigger warning the victims say was designed to...

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The 10 Richest Billionaires Under 5
Feb17

The 10 Richest Billionaires Under 5

1. Brandon’s got a take-charge attitude when it comes to Legos. He also has a trust fund worth 516 full dinosaur skeletons.   2. Muriel here could buy and sell your ass 200,000 times!   3. Just think, little Miles will one day be part of a worldwide financial conspiracy you can neither comprehend nor destroy.   4. Tomiko’s learning her numbers, ABC’s and, slowly but surely, that poor people don’t...

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‘Breast is Best,’ Insists Winking Hospital President
Apr03

‘Breast is Best,’ Insists Winking Hospital President

Regional Hospital President Eric Webb spoke earlier today at a press conference about Heatherstone General’s new baby-friendly program. “Breastfeeding is a natural and beautiful thing,” said Mr. Webb. “It’s best for the baby, and really anyone else that happens to be around.” The hospital president went on to encourage women to breastfeed “any old time they feel like it: around the house, in a...

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