My New Leaf Blower Is the Shit
Nov02

My New Leaf Blower Is the Shit

You see these leaves right here? Boom. Now they’re over there. How did I do it, you’re saying. Am I a magician? No. But I did get a new leaf blower, and it’s the shit. I used to hate fall. Now, fall is the shit. Every day I wake up at five a.m. and blow leaves. I strut up and down my lawn waving that sucker like it’s a big air penis and they’re just some dumb little leaves. “You’re not even alive,” I tell the leaves. “Corpses of your...

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7 Fall Outfits to Make You Forget Bikini Season Ever Existed
Oct03

7 Fall Outfits to Make You Forget Bikini Season Ever Existed

1. Your Dad’s Overstretched College Sweater Search the bottom of that box in the garage for your father’s old college sweater. Once you get past the “is that ketchup or a blood stain?” moment, that knit piece of memorabilia will cover up any shame you felt trying to fit into those cheek-less blue bottoms at the lake on Memorial Day. 2. A Leaf Pile Forget the fact you just spent three months basking in the sun and lather yourself...

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Deep Inside the Pumpkin Patch
Sep23

Deep Inside the Pumpkin Patch

  More jokes, at no extra...

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Family Relieved Dad Eating Dinner in Other Room To Watch ‘NCIS’
Sep23

Family Relieved Dad Eating Dinner in Other Room To Watch ‘NCIS’

ST. LOUIS – After months of tense family conversations around the dinner table, the Davidsons were happy to report Tuesday that patriarch Marc took his burger into the den to eat while watching CBS drama NCIS on Tuesday night. “We honestly didn’t know what would happen,” said wife Karen. “With Michael Weatherly leaving the show this year, we didn’t know if he’d still watch.” Once school was out last June, and the CBS...

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A Look at the Leaked Schedule of Events for This Year’s Trump Organization Picnic
Sep22

A Look at the Leaked Schedule of Events for This Year’s Trump Organization Picnic

Promotional Trump-Branded Native American Headdress Giveaway Pin the Penis on the Blacked-Out Co-Ed Caricature Artist Draws What Your Aborted Fetus Would Have Looked Like Conversion Therapy: The Ride Bullfighting With Harpoons and Male Orcas Unused iPads Bonfire Elephant Ears Made From Real Elephants Crafts Table: Homemade Minstrel Puppets Lasso Undocumented Immigrants Competition A Six-Hour Set by Hank Williams, Jr. Hot Dog-Eating...

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