Donald Trump [Insert Ridiculous Thing He Hopefully Hasn’t Already Said or Done]
Aug10

Donald Trump [Insert Ridiculous Thing He Hopefully Hasn’t Already Said or Done]

[INSERT LOCATION] – At a press conference this morning, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump [insert joke about something insane he said or did] setting off yet another controversy for the candidate. “I can’t believe he [here is where I could make a joke about him yelling at a baby, but no, he goddamn did that in real life],” expressed registered voter Claire Lee. “This whole campaign was already getting out of hand. And...

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12 Simple Ways to Show That You, a Very White Woman, Support Black Lives Matter
Jul25

12 Simple Ways to Show That You, a Very White Woman, Support Black Lives Matter

1. Click “love” instead of “like” on Facebook posts decrying racial injustice. 2. Donate $5 to Black Lives Matter. Now brag about donating to Black Lives Matter. 3. Attend a BLM rally or protest and offer your services as a chant leader. When someone else leads, kindly tell them how much activism experience you got being in the drum circle at Occupy Wall Street between shifts at your unpaid New York internship. 4. Actually listen to...

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Merrick Garland Sitting Alone in Dimly Lit Capitol Waiting Room for 101st Straight Day
Jun30

Merrick Garland Sitting Alone in Dimly Lit Capitol Waiting Room for 101st Straight Day

WASHINGTON – As his Supreme Court nomination continues to be used as a weapon of political warfare, Merrick Garland spent his 101st straight day in a dark, underground Capitol Building waiting room Thursday, the only light emanating from a dusty window far above the U.S Appeals Court judge’s reach. “I know this is a major decision, so I don’t mind waiting,” Garland said, his now-gaunt frame barely holding...

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John Kasich Still Wandering Into Diners Hoping to Score Free Meal
May10

John Kasich Still Wandering Into Diners Hoping to Score Free Meal

PORTLAND, Ore. – Patrons of Davey’s Diner got a special treat Tuesday, as former Republican presidential candidate John Kasich visited the establishment, meandering around the counter, engaging with people and making vague speeches until a waitress finally gave him a free bowl of soup. “I just feel so humbled to be with all of you today,” Kasich said, glancing behind himself to make sure the diner’s...

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Will We Ever Have Another Bearded President?
Apr22

Will We Ever Have Another Bearded President?

The beard is nearly extinct in American politics, especially when it comes to the presidency, and it doesn’t look like the trend will reverse itself anytime soon. The United States’ last fully bearded president was Benjamin Harrison, who served from 1889-1893. Our 23rd president capped off a really impressive streak of bearded presidents, starting with Abraham Lincoln, our 16th president. Lincoln was followed by Ulysses S....

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