Trump to Hand Out 2016 Electoral Maps to Trick-or-Treaters
Oct27

Trump to Hand Out 2016 Electoral Maps to Trick-or-Treaters

WASHINGTON – With Halloween drawing near, people across the country are preparing to celebrate. That includes the White House, where President Donald Trump has decided to forgo handing out candy in lieu of providing trick-or-treaters with electoral maps of his 2016 victory over Hillary Clinton. “Halloween is a very special time of year, very special,” Trump said. “And I want to make sure these children get something...

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Aides Suggest Trump Sundowning, Daytiming, 24/7 Asshole
Oct24

Aides Suggest Trump Sundowning, Daytiming, 24/7 Asshole

WASHINGTON – As speculation runs rampant over the mental well-being of the 45th president of the United States, those close to Donald Trump are now suggesting that he may be “sundowning,” among other things. While “sundowning” refers to worsening mental ability as the day goes on in dementia or Alzheimer’s patients, in the case of the commander-in-chief, time of day seems irrelevant. “He’s definitely sundowning,” said an...

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Trump Assures Fallen Soldier’s Widow Country Will Be Saying ‘Merry Christmas’ Again
Oct22

Trump Assures Fallen Soldier’s Widow Country Will Be Saying ‘Merry Christmas’ Again

WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump made another phone call to a fallen soldier’s widow this weekend, comforting her by guaranteeing that the country will finally start saying “Merry Christmas” once again this holiday season. “I got these big beautiful crowds at my rallies,” the president explained to the grieving woman on the other end of the line. “And I told them, ‘We’ll be...

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Trump Now Up to Two Gallons of Ice Cream With Dinner
Oct13

Trump Now Up to Two Gallons of Ice Cream With Dinner

WASHINGTON – Citing the mounting stress of the job and his increasingly insatiable sweet tooth, White House aides have confirmed that President Trump has begun consuming an average of two gallons of ice cream per night with dinner. “It started out as a manageable two scoops of ice cream while everyone else got one,” said one senior administration official. “But with each passing day, that amount has grown....

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Trump Becomes Stuck in Chocolate Pipe During Tour of Candy Factory
Oct05

Trump Becomes Stuck in Chocolate Pipe During Tour of Candy Factory

FRANKFORT, Ky. – During an announcement of a new tariff on foreign sugar imports at Sweet Tooth Candy Factory today, President Trump found himself stuck in an industrial chocolate extraction and transportation pipe. “We’re going to fight to get more jobs and better paying jobs for the loyal citizens of…um…,” Trump began to say to the assembled factory workers before spotting the factory’s open-top chocolate...

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Feminist Pretends to Understand Friend’s Burlesque Show
Oct04

Feminist Pretends to Understand Friend’s Burlesque Show

NEW YORK – Self-described feminist Lydia Pembroke attended a friend’s burlesque show Monday evening in a demonstration of sisterly solidarity, and while she appreciated the show’s production values, she didn’t get it at all and had to pretend otherwise. Upon greeting her friend at the stage door, Pembroke exclaimed, “I loved how vibrant the costumes were!” She hoped an effusive compliment would hide her ambivalence towards the...

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