Political Facebook Post Swings Millions of Voters
Sep17

Political Facebook Post Swings Millions of Voters

SAN FRANCISCO – In an unprecedented turn of events during an unprecedented campaign, local resident Shawn Gromek’s passionate, politically charged post on Facebook has reportedly swung millions of voters for November’s presidential election. According to reports, Gromek essentially took three headlines regarding the presidential candidates and shared them to his Facebook friends. He then added a personal opinion about how hard...

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Donald Trump Concerned Hillary Clinton’s Poor Health Hinders Her Ability to Be Assassinated
Sep13

Donald Trump Concerned Hillary Clinton’s Poor Health Hinders Her Ability to Be Assassinated

CLIVE, Iowa – In light of Hillary Clinton’s bout with pneumonia, which recently forced her to leave a 9/11 memorial ceremony in New York City, presidential rival Donald Trump has expressed “serious concerns” that Clinton lacks the stamina to survive long enough to ultimately be hunted down and assassinated by Second Amendment enthusiasts. “I’m deeply concerned that my opponent is not well enough to...

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Trump Launching New Pumpkin Spice Version of Himself to Woo White Women Voters
Sep12

Trump Launching New Pumpkin Spice Version of Himself to Woo White Women Voters

WASHINGTON – As the weather turns autumnal and the presidential election heads into its final sprint, Republican candidate Donald Trump is seeking to bolster his ailing numbers among educated white women by promising to roll out a limited-edition, seasonal “pumpkin spice” version of himself, his top advisors have reported. “Mr. Trump will mark the beauty and majesty of America’s changing seasons by making himself available in a...

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George W. Bush Remembers 9/11 Victims: ‘Oh, Yeah…’
Sep11

George W. Bush Remembers 9/11 Victims: ‘Oh, Yeah…’

DALLAS – While traveling to various locations in his native Dallas today, former president George W. Bush paused to remember the victims of the 9/11 terror attacks. “Oh, yeah…” Bush said. “Shoot.” Though the former president was facing a busy schedule including a trip to Home Depot, grabbing some takeout from Johnny Rockets, and “looking for one of those drive-thru car washes, not the other kind,” he said he was glad he could...

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Jared Leto Finally Ready to Play Raging Narcissist After Going Method for Past 20 Years
Sep09

Jared Leto Finally Ready to Play Raging Narcissist After Going Method for Past 20 Years

LOS ANGELES – It’s taken twenty long years of method acting, but Jared Leto is finally ready to play a raging narcissist in his next film. The actor/musician will star in the role of a lifetime, as he is set to play an arrogant actor and musician who gets away with everything under the guise of being quirky. Though the role was hotly contested by fellow egomaniacs Shia LaBeouf and James Franco, it was Leto’s unwavering and...

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Guggenheim Museum Uncoils, Releases Corpse Of Smaller Cultural Institution
Sep07

Guggenheim Museum Uncoils, Releases Corpse Of Smaller Cultural Institution

NEW YORK – The Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum in Manhattan uncoiled Wednesday, releasing the lifeless corpse of a smaller, weaker cultural institution onto 5th Avenue. The Center for Women in American Government, a nonprofit foundation that had also dwelled in the Upper East Side habitat, was hunted and killed by the powerful constriction of the Guggenheim. Fully extended, the full-grown Guggenheim measures about two city blocks...

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