God Announces Recall Notice for Men
Nov27

God Announces Recall Notice for Men

HEAVEN – Citing significant safety concerns, about 3.4 billion human males were recalled last week by Heaven’s Department of Product Safety. With numerous harassment incidents coming to light, God has mandated that the department begin an immediate recall before men can inflict more harm on human females and the few human males not affected by the recall. While the scale of this recall is unprecedented, according to the recall...

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Man Camping Out for Black Friday in Front of Computer
Nov24

Man Camping Out for Black Friday in Front of Computer

CEDAR FALLS, Iowa – Hoping to get a jumpstart on the holiday shopping season, Gerald Colsen has already begun camping in front of his home computer with the hopes of grabbing the best Black Friday deals. “It’s really important to be prepared early,” Gerald said while bundled up in a winter jacket with matching hat and gloves. “There are so many different sites you need to hit, and the web traffic is always horrendous.” Sitting...

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Walmart Offering Great Black Friday Deals, But Only If You Can Guess Their Riddles Three
Nov24

Walmart Offering Great Black Friday Deals, But Only If You Can Guess Their Riddles Three

Another Thanksgiving has come and gone, and now that the last bite of green bean casserole has been choked down and your uncle has wrapped up his defense of Roy Moore, it’s off to the nearest shopping center for an even more deeply-rooted American tradition: Black Friday. However, one department store giant is taking a somewhat unusual approach. This year, Walmart will only give you their Black Friday discounts if you can answer their...

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Americans at a Loss Over What to Be Thankful For
Nov23

Americans at a Loss Over What to Be Thankful For

Mouths agape and eyes fixed on their clasped hands, Americans at dining tables across the country today struggled to name something they were thankful for when called upon. “Oh, uhhh,” said Cleveland man George Kranish. “Boy. Hoo boy. [prolonged sigh]. Karen? You want to field this one?” While Americans earnestly sought a positive sentiment to share with their loved ones, all found themselves unable to finish the simple statement “I’m...

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Dressed in Turkey Costume, Donald Trump Pardons Self
Nov22

Dressed in Turkey Costume, Donald Trump Pardons Self

WASHINGTON – In an impromptu White House press conference this morning, President Trump, clad in a tight-fitting turkey costume, pardoned himself for “being delicious” as well as “any and all federal crimes he may have committed since birth.” “This is wonderful,” Mr. Trump said in unprepared remarks. “We’re here, it’s almost Thanksgiving. Pilgrims, Indians, candied yams – so tasty – mashed potatoes, pie… Jared, tell the...

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Manson Family Members Unsure Who Will Carve the Swastika This Thanksgiving
Nov20
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