Whoopi Goldberg Wins Slopestyle Gold at X Games, Becomes First XEGOT
Jan27

Whoopi Goldberg Wins Slopestyle Gold at X Games, Becomes First XEGOT

ASPEN, Colo. – In a triumph spanning arts, culture, and sport, Whoopi Goldberg completed the illustrious chase for XEGOT when she landed a double-cork 900 on the final jump of the women’s Slopestyle at the X Games yesterday. Goldberg, winner of the 1990 Oscar for Best Supporting Actress in Ghost, referred to the gold medal run as one of the highlights of her career. “You know, I was nervous about hitting the switch...

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Rumors Fly After God Accidentally Leaks Preview of Next Year’s Flu
Jan27

Rumors Fly After God Accidentally Leaks Preview of Next Year’s Flu

ATLANTA – Rumors are circulating over the specifics of God’s newest project, the 2018 flu, after biological specimens were leaked to an anonymous doctor at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention this week. “Based on electron microscopy, the virus appears to be eight nanometers slimmer than previous generations of the flu,” said the doctor. “Which is impressive because it’s twice as powerful;...

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Jared Leto Decries Oscar Nominations as ‘Fake Nods’
Jan24

Jared Leto Decries Oscar Nominations as ‘Fake Nods’

LOS ANGELES – Following today’s announcement of the nominations for the 89th Academy Awards, actor Jared Leto went on a Twitter tirade bashing the Oscars and complaining that the list was “bogus” and “100% not true.” “If the Academy had any integrity, they would have accurately reported on my nomination for Best Actor Ever for playing the best Joker. Sad!” one of Leto’s tweets read. Leto, who was not nominated for his...

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Favorite TV Show on During Boyfriend’s Ideal Hour of Talk Time
Jan24

Favorite TV Show on During Boyfriend’s Ideal Hour of Talk Time

DAVENPORT, Iowa – Usually emotionally distant boyfriend Aaron Clark has finally begun to open up to relationship talks, but only during girlfriend Jess Stevenson’s favorite legal procedural, sources report. Much like a night-blooming flower, Clark is 100 percent available and ready to talk between the hours of nine and ten p.m. on Wednesday nights. “I realized that I needed to be there for Jess, and I just wasn’t doing that,”...

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Barron Trump Wasting No Time Torturing Small Animals on White House Property
Jan22

Barron Trump Wasting No Time Torturing Small Animals on White House Property

WASHINGTON- Wasting no time getting acclimated to his new surroundings, ten-year-old Barron Trump has already begun maiming and murdering a variety of small animals found all over the White House property, from squirrels and birds to the beloved unofficial White House stray cat Cheeto. “I put out the daily saucer of milk for Cheeto and was surprised he didn’t come by at his usual time,” said a longtime worker who...

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Report: This Is Actually Fucking Happening
Jan20

Report: This Is Actually Fucking Happening

WASHINGTON – A brand-new report this morning reveals that yes, indeed, this is all actually fucking happening. While since November 8th U.S. citizens have known in theory that Donald Trump would eventually become the next President of the United States, many subconsciously believed that there was no way he could really become the next President of the United States. This unsubstantiated and deep-seated illusion was shattered...

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