Vacationer Captivated by Mediocre Art
Jul12

Vacationer Captivated by Mediocre Art

STURGEON BAY, Wis. – Softly cooing sounds of approval, out-of-town visitor Phyllis Malton was observed expressing her awe of the just-about-average paintings displayed on the walls of local gallery Art & Soul, sources confirmed Saturday. “This piece takes my breath away! It’s like it’s inviting me into the scene itself,” the spellbound shopper from Chicago whispered, referring to a 36×48...

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White House Staffers Warned to Not Get Trump Wet or Feed Him After Midnight
Jul10

White House Staffers Warned to Not Get Trump Wet or Feed Him After Midnight

WASHINGTON – According to White House sources, hours after President Donald Trump took office, staffers were given a laundry list of instructions about Trump, most importantly to not get him wet or feed him after midnight. “We had a similar request when George W. Bush took office,” said a former White House staffer. “We didn’t take it seriously and we ended up going to war with Iraq and the banking system...

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As Ecosystems Implode, Pence to Open ‘Mike’s Ark: Refuge From God’s Unpreventable Wonders’
Jun23

As Ecosystems Implode, Pence to Open ‘Mike’s Ark: Refuge From God’s Unpreventable Wonders’

WASHINGTON – If there’s two things the government has taught the children of America over the years, it is that one should definitely plan for the future if they want to be able to live decently, and the environment can be abused with no negative repercussions whatsoever. Now Mike Pence, our nation’s vice president, has brilliantly decided to combine both lessons into one fun experience when global warming-er, God decides to...

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Working Actor Gives Up on Dream of Playing Spider-Man
Jun22

Working Actor Gives Up on Dream of Playing Spider-Man

LOS ANGELES – Longtime working actor Daniel Day-Lewis announced his retirement from the industry this week, citing his disappointment in never landing his dream role of the superhero Spider-Man. “I worked my entire career to get that call,” Day-Lewis said. “I was pretty much just biding my time in prestige pictures, preparing for the role I know I was born to play.” Known for his devotion to method...

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Mike Pence and ‘Mother’ Purchase Abandoned Hotel in Fairvale
Jun13

Mike Pence and ‘Mother’ Purchase Abandoned Hotel in Fairvale

FAIRVALE, Calif. – For years, an abandoned hotel has sat lifeless twenty miles outside of our small town. Many potential buyers approached, but nobody was able to secure the desolate property. However, the wait is finally over as the hotel has gotten a vice presidential makeover, as Mike Pence and his wife Karen, also known as “Mother,” have finally purchased the building. Since most of his vice presidential duties can be...

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Mike Pence Beats ‘Demonic’ Birthday Party Magician to Death With Bible
Jun10

Mike Pence Beats ‘Demonic’ Birthday Party Magician to Death With Bible

WASHINGTON – Mike Pence’s 58th birthday party ended in a gruesome scene this week as party magician Daniel Schamberg was beaten to death by the vice president for “consorting with the devil.” Vice Presidential Press Secretary Marc Lotter said the tragedy was an unfortunate mix-up.“When planning the event with Party 4U! we specifically requested wholesome entertainment and a sundae bar. While the sundae bar lived up to...

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