White House Preps for Hug a Newsperson Day Party; ‘Not a Trap’ Says Spicer
Feb21

White House Preps for Hug a Newsperson Day Party; ‘Not a Trap’ Says Spicer

WASHINGTON – Preparations have begun for the first Hug A Newsperson Day celebration to be held on April 4th on the South Lawn of the White House. According to Press Secretary Sean Spicer, the event will include a luncheon, games, and is 100 percent definitely not a trap. “Yes, President Trump has had a somewhat acrimonious relationship with the media, but on Hug A Newsperson Day we celebrate those who dedicate their lives to...

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Your Friend From College Promises This Will Be Last Trump Article He Shares Today
Feb20

Your Friend From College Promises This Will Be Last Trump Article He Shares Today

PHOENIX – Noting that he knows it’s “probably a bit obsessive” to have already sent you a combination of four news articles and think pieces related to President Donald Trump before noon, your friend from college promises that this Atlantic article will be the last item he shares with you today. “You just have to read this last one,” he told you over Facebook chat, referencing an article accusing Donald Trump of offending Dick...

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Government Expands Unpaid Internment Program for All Muslims
Feb13

Government Expands Unpaid Internment Program for All Muslims

WASHINGTON – Intent on furthering its outreach to Muslims across America, the government announced today that it will expand its unpaid internment program to all followers of Islam currently living in the United States. “It’s a competitive job market out there,” stated Program Director and Secretary of Homeland Security John F. Kelly. “This mandatory internment program is a unique and historic opportunity...

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Richard Spencer Takes Break From Manifesto to Spin Heroic Yarn Out of Getting Punched in Face
Feb11

Richard Spencer Takes Break From Manifesto to Spin Heroic Yarn Out of Getting Punched in Face

ARLINGTON, Va. – Unsettled over a deteriorating amount of public attention, white supremacist Richard Spencer took a break from electronically distributing rhetoric hateful and harmful to anybody who doesn’t fit his own immediate demographic to revisit the now-viral events following President Donald Trump’s inauguration. “The Nazi Punch, they call it. Let me tell you what actually happened,” Spencer began, attempting to charm...

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Woman Befriends Elderly Next-Door Neighbor to Avoiding Pooping at Boyfriend’s Apartment
Feb10

Woman Befriends Elderly Next-Door Neighbor to Avoiding Pooping at Boyfriend’s Apartment

BOSTON – After weeks of trekking her ass to a nearby gas station, local 25-year-old Anna Hardly recently befriended her boyfriend’s elderly neighbor Linda Johnson to ensure she’d never have to drop a fat one in her true love’s toilet. “I got the idea when I saw her struggling to pick her mail up off the ground. She was shaking real bad, and I thought, huh, I can use this to my advantage.” Hardley quickly scooped up the mail and...

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Nation Expected American Demise to Be More Exciting
Feb08

Nation Expected American Demise to Be More Exciting

WASHINGTON – As the Trump administration continues to promote isolationism, and the Republican-held Congress works to remove consumer and environmental protections, the American people expressed astonishment at just how boring the fall of America has been. “I thought there’d be robots or aliens, or at least huge explosions. I never expected it to be an old man trying to use his cellphone,” said Ft. Worth, Texas resident...

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