Trump Assures Fallen Soldier’s Widow Country Will Be Saying ‘Merry Christmas’ Again
Oct22

Trump Assures Fallen Soldier’s Widow Country Will Be Saying ‘Merry Christmas’ Again

WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump made another phone call to a fallen soldier’s widow this weekend, comforting her by guaranteeing that the country will finally start saying “Merry Christmas” once again this holiday season. “I got these big beautiful crowds at my rallies,” the president explained to the grieving woman on the other end of the line. “And I told them, ‘We’ll be...

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Trump Now Up to Two Gallons of Ice Cream With Dinner
Oct13

Trump Now Up to Two Gallons of Ice Cream With Dinner

WASHINGTON – Citing the mounting stress of the job and his increasingly insatiable sweet tooth, White House aides have confirmed that President Trump has begun consuming an average of two gallons of ice cream per night with dinner. “It started out as a manageable two scoops of ice cream while everyone else got one,” said one senior administration official. “But with each passing day, that amount has grown....

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Trump Becomes Stuck in Chocolate Pipe During Tour of Candy Factory
Oct05

Trump Becomes Stuck in Chocolate Pipe During Tour of Candy Factory

FRANKFORT, Ky. – During an announcement of a new tariff on foreign sugar imports at Sweet Tooth Candy Factory today, President Trump found himself stuck in an industrial chocolate extraction and transportation pipe. “We’re going to fight to get more jobs and better paying jobs for the loyal citizens of…um…,” Trump began to say to the assembled factory workers before spotting the factory’s open-top chocolate...

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Feminist Pretends to Understand Friend’s Burlesque Show
Oct04

Feminist Pretends to Understand Friend’s Burlesque Show

NEW YORK – Self-described feminist Lydia Pembroke attended a friend’s burlesque show Monday evening in a demonstration of sisterly solidarity, and while she appreciated the show’s production values, she didn’t get it at all and had to pretend otherwise. Upon greeting her friend at the stage door, Pembroke exclaimed, “I loved how vibrant the costumes were!” She hoped an effusive compliment would hide her ambivalence towards the...

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Twitter’s New 280-Character Limit Allows for Double the Thoughts and Prayers
Oct02

Twitter’s New 280-Character Limit Allows for Double the Thoughts and Prayers

LAS VEGAS – As the country reels from the tragedy in Las Vegas, solace is being taken by the fact that Twitter’s new rollout of a 280-character limit for tweets is allowing twice as many thoughts and prayers to reach the victims and their loved ones. Politicians in particular are grateful to have the extra length to show just how sorry they are that their complete inaction has led to another national nightmare....

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Tom Price Resigns to Spend More Money With Family
Sep29

Tom Price Resigns to Spend More Money With Family

WASHINGTON – Tom Price, Secretary of the U.S. Health and Human Services Department, resigned today, claiming that he wished to take some time off and spend more money with his family. Secretary Price stated that he came to the realization that resigning from his position was far easier than paying back all of the taxpayer money he had used to fund expensive vacations for his family. “With all of the money we have saved, I think...

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