Nation’s Good Guys With Guns Sit Another One Out
Feb15

Nation’s Good Guys With Guns Sit Another One Out

WASHINGTON – In a statement released this morning, America’s good guys with guns expressed sympathy for the Parkland, Florida victims, but reiterated their preference to “not get involved.” The statement read in part: “We’re sickened and dismayed at this violent act by a deranged individual. Our thoughts and prayers are with the bereaved families, and this event is a true tragedy, though we’d...

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Husband to Spend Drive Home Figuring Out Valentine’s Day Plans
Feb13

Husband to Spend Drive Home Figuring Out Valentine’s Day Plans

COLUMBUS, Ohio – A local man is taking a different approach to Valentine’s Day this year; instead of weeks or even months of planning, realtor Mike Janis is taking care of everything on his commute home. “There’s a lot you can do to create a special night for that special person in your life, just by frantically tapping away at your phone and praying that you don’t inadvertently smash into the back of someone’s car in...

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Sponge Walks in on Itself Cheating on Itself With Itself
Feb12

Sponge Walks in on Itself Cheating on Itself With Itself

LAKE MICHIGAN – Expressing that feelings of distrust over the past several months have been increasing, freshwater sponge Spongilla lacustris expressed to reporters late yesterday evening it was completely unaware of the repeated acts of infidelity itself was committing with itself behind its back. “Bewilderment is an understatement,” gurgled the multicellular sessile parazoan through its osculum. “I started budding and I knew...

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Sporting Black Eye, President Trump Assures Nation Rob Porter ‘Very Fine Man’
Feb09
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Jeff Bezos: Just Because You Found a Death Ray in My Observatory Does NOT Mean I’m a Megalomaniac
Feb07

Jeff Bezos: Just Because You Found a Death Ray in My Observatory Does NOT Mean I’m a Megalomaniac

SEATTLE–(BUSINESS WIRE)–Feb. 7, 2018– Amazon.com, Inc. (NASDAQ:AMZN) would like to set a few things straight today about the recent visit by Amazon customers to the home of our founder, Mr. Jeff Bezos. The visit was not a “chance for Bezos to fix his megalomaniac image” as some reports suggested, it was one of many instances where Mr. Bezos has spent time with the most valuable people to this company...

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Hot Deal! Williams Sonoma Announces Each Crock-Pot on Sale Has a Mother’s Soul Trapped in It and She’s Late for a PTA Meeting
Feb06

Hot Deal! Williams Sonoma Announces Each Crock-Pot on Sale Has a Mother’s Soul Trapped in It and She’s Late for a PTA Meeting

We’re in the midst of some hot outlet sales, which means many stores have cheap kitchen appliances available. It looks like one store has outdone all the rest this year: Williams Sonoma has announced that each of their Crock-Pots on sale has the soul of a mother trapped inside and she’s super late for a PTA meeting. Awesome! Who doesn’t love a two-for-one deal? “Mothers know just what you need when you’re having a rough day,” said...

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