Al Franken Establishes Residence in Alabama, Eyeing 2020 Senate Run
Dec08

Al Franken Establishes Residence in Alabama, Eyeing 2020 Senate Run

WASHINGTON – After announcing his resignation yesterday, Minnesota Senator Al Franken has reportedly purchased a home in Greenville, Alabama. “I like the way they think down there,” said Franken. “Their moral character, their unwavering support for those in positions of leadership and entertainment is really inspirational.” Some critics of the move accuse him of taking advantage of the current political...

Read More
Blackened Banana in Freezer Doubts It’ll Ever Be Used to Make Bread
Dec05

Blackened Banana in Freezer Doubts It’ll Ever Be Used to Make Bread

DES MOINES, Iowa – Three months after being relegated to the freezer because it wasn’t consumed fast enough, a now rock-hard banana is beginning to fear that it may never be used to make banana bread, sources are reporting. The overripe banana, which was placed in the freezer door’s bottom shelf this summer, believes it has been forgotten and as a result won’t be a part of any sort of recipe any time soon, as it had previously...

Read More
Willy Wonka Selects Newest Child Vessel
Dec01

Willy Wonka Selects Newest Child Vessel

LONDON – The wait is over! Famed chocolatier and Warden of the 9th Interdimensional Rift Willy Wonka has at last selected his newest child vessel, with the honor going to one Dylan Mullaney of Grand Rapids, Michigan! As is customary, a plume of blood-red smoke billowed from the Wonka factory today indicating that a new, unblemished soul-cask had been chosen to host Mr. Wonka’s immortal essence. The selection of Mullaney had long...

Read More
James O’Keefe Tried to Trick Us Into Publishing a Story About Roy Moore Dating Heffalumps and Woozles Because He’s an Idiot
Dec01

James O’Keefe Tried to Trick Us Into Publishing a Story About Roy Moore Dating Heffalumps and Woozles Because He’s an Idiot

WASHINGTON – Recently, Robot Butt was approached by an individual claiming that Republican Senate hopeful Roy Moore dated Heffalumps and Woozles while he was a district attorney in Alabama in the 1970’s. Robot Butt determined these allegations were false because, come on, and when we confronted the source we learned it was a sting operation put together by Project Veritas ringleader James O’Keefe, who is really bad at...

Read More
Man Wakes Up From 17-Year Coma Speaking Fluent Smash Mouth
Nov30

Man Wakes Up From 17-Year Coma Speaking Fluent Smash Mouth

BOSTON – Yesterday, Mark Evans woke up from a coma more than seventeen years after a horrific car crash that almost claimed his life speaking fluent Smash Mouth. The 35-year-old woke up with bed sores and said to a nearby nurse, “Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me.” The nurse adjusted his bedding then quickly contacted his family. When asked about the accident that led to his coma, Mark explained “I...

Read More
God Announces Recall Notice for Men
Nov27

God Announces Recall Notice for Men

HEAVEN – Citing significant safety concerns, about 3.4 billion human males were recalled last week by Heaven’s Department of Product Safety. With numerous harassment incidents coming to light, God has mandated that the department begin an immediate recall before men can inflict more harm on human females and the few human males not affected by the recall. While the scale of this recall is unprecedented, according to the recall...

Read More
Page 1 of 12012345...102030...Last »