Get Through the Rest of the 2016 Presidential Primaries With This Drinking Game
Mar30

Get Through the Rest of the 2016 Presidential Primaries With This Drinking Game

We’re hitting the home stretch of the primary season, which means we’re maybe halfway through this election cycle. Just seven more months to go! While I don’t know who is going to win either party’s nomination, I do know we still have lot of bullshit to get through before this whole mess is over. Bullshit that we’d all rather not deal with. But there’s a solution! The same solution I use for all the...

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Dammit, I’m Gonna Have to Explain Donald Trump to My Grandchildren
Mar08

Dammit, I’m Gonna Have to Explain Donald Trump to My Grandchildren

“Grandpa, why were people so embarrassingly stupid back in your day?” That’s quite a thing for a precocious little boy or girl to ask his/her grandfather, but I know it’s coming. For every state Donald Trump wins this Republican primary season, I grow closer to the dark realization that I will one day have to answer for just what in the hell people were thinking in the year 2016. Now, I know my grandchildren...

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Hillary Clinton is Trying to Seduce Me
Mar01

Hillary Clinton is Trying to Seduce Me

The unexpectedly strong campaign of Bernie Sanders is really doing a number on Hillary Clinton. Though she was long expected to waltz to the Democratic nomination without any resistance, that just hasn’t been the case. And now the strain of yet another grueling campaign slog is really starting to affect the former Secretary of State. Now, I’m a married man, but keeping in line with traditional Clinton values, Hillary...

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Ted Cruz is Jack the Ripper
Feb25

Ted Cruz is Jack the Ripper

Right now, there is a groundswell of support for the very credible idea that Ted Cruz is the infamous (and still anonymous) Zodiac Killer, who was linked to at least five murders – but claimed 37 – in Northern California in the late 1960s and early 1970s. But I’m going to take it a step further. There is no doubt in my mind that Ted Cruz is also Jack the Ripper. You might be asking yourself, “Jack the Ripper?...

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100 Words Or Less: On Jeb! Bush’s Super PAC
Feb22

100 Words Or Less: On Jeb! Bush’s Super PAC

Though Jeb! Bush dropped out of the GOP race last weekend, his super PAC reportedly still has $24.4 million left over. What to do with all this money? It sure could buy a ton of ice cream for Jeb! to eat away his bad feelings. He’s probably pretty sad right now. Or maybe it can buy a really nice participation trophy that says “Hey buddy, you did your best.” That much money would also buy a lot of lap dances. And no one has ever left a...

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South Carolina is a Racist’s Paradise
Feb20

South Carolina is a Racist’s Paradise

It doesn’t come as a surprise that the sentient barrel of radioactive sludge named Donald Trump won South Carolina’s GOP primary Saturday, as he’s been leading in every…single…poll…everywhere…for months. But here’s something that actually is somewhat surprising – sort of. Exit polls, those things political pundits furiously masturbate to on election night, in the state have nearly...

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