With Everything That’s Happening Right Now, I’d Like to Announce I’m Selling Diet Pills!
Aug16

With Everything That’s Happening Right Now, I’d Like to Announce I’m Selling Diet Pills!

Hey Errybody! LOL! What’s up all my Facebook amigos? You doing good? You’re about to be doing better! I’m going to make this the best time of your life by offering you something that will make you forget every bad thing happening right now – even the life-threatening ones! How? I’m now a registered representative to sell all-natural diet pills, and I’m offering you a life-changing opportunity! These things are amazing. I’ve been...

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8 Other Phone Calls Donald Trump Claims to Have Received
Aug04

8 Other Phone Calls Donald Trump Claims to Have Received

President Donald Trump recently claimed that he received telephone calls from the head of the Boy Scouts and the Mexican president, both praising him for a variety of things, but it was easily proven that the calls never happened. That little fib got us thinking – what other phone calls has Trump been lying about? Here are just a few of the president’s most recent phone calls he claims to have received: “The head of...

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A Selection of Remembrances and Farewells to The Mooch From r/The_Donald
Aug02

A Selection of Remembrances and Farewells to The Mooch From r/The_Donald

As we bid The Mooch ado, here’s what the fine and upstanding human beings on reddit.com/r/The_Donald have to say: “He’s like a Rockstar that released one amazing album and then OD’d. The music will live on.” – TibetanSkyFuneral “A star that burns twice as bright burns half as long.” – archmcd “Ugh just when we were falling in love with him” – aglitters “Thank you for your brief service Mr Mooch! Thank you...

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With All of the News About Healthcare, Don’t Forget About Me, the Guy Who Said No One Ever Dies From Lack of Healthcare!
Jul31

With All of the News About Healthcare, Don’t Forget About Me, the Guy Who Said No One Ever Dies From Lack of Healthcare!

Hello, Americans! I’m Raúl Labrador, Idaho Republican congressman, member of the House Freedom Caucus, and 2018 gubernatorial candidate. It’s easy to get overwhelmed these days with news headlines, particularly deeply stressful ones about the precarious state of healthcare in our great nation. With so much attention being given to John McCain’s vote on repealing Obamacare after being diagnosed with brain cancer and receiving excellent...

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Chris Christie Stole a Beach, So I Stole an Entire Grocery Aisle of Tampons
Jul28

Chris Christie Stole a Beach, So I Stole an Entire Grocery Aisle of Tampons

New Jersey governor Chris Christie’s blatant abuse of power may have ruined my holiday weekend, but I refused to let his actions ruin my holiday spirit. Sometimes the best revenge is beating the villain at his own game. With every Christie sitting-on-the-beach meme grew my need to avenge this nautical nightmare. That’s why I stole every tampon from the shelves of my local Stop & Shop, because that’ll show him. The sweet high of...

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Statements From Sean Spicer’s First Weekend as My Personal Press Secretary
Jul26

Statements From Sean Spicer’s First Weekend as My Personal Press Secretary

I didn’t plan on hiring a personal press secretary, but when opportunity knocks, you take it. Opportunity knocked into me particularly hard on Friday, when Sean Spicer hit me in a Dunkin’ Donuts parking lot. He volunteered to serve as my personal press secretary for a while if I promised to keep the collision quiet. After all, he’s in between jobs, and apparently, it’s pretty expensive to insure a motorized...

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