Exclusive: Recordings From Inside the Trump White House
Oct12

Exclusive: Recordings From Inside the Trump White House

Recently, reports started circulating that White House staffers are now afraid their colleagues might be wearing wires to record conversations and turn them into the Robert Mueller investigation. The bad news for the White House staff is they’re right. But their bad news is your good news, as Robot Butt has gained access to some of these recordings to provide you with insights into the Trump White House: Attorney General Jeff...

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Why I’m Glad My Birth Control Won’t Be Covered By Health Insurance
Oct10

Why I’m Glad My Birth Control Won’t Be Covered By Health Insurance

1. The government shouldn’t have to be responsible for my mistakes. After all, women aren’t biologically programmed to enjoy recreational sex like men are! 2. Religion hasn’t played a big enough part in my sex life and I’m starting to feel super guilty about it. Leave room in the bed for Jesus! 3. I could use all the help I can get making sure my employer doesn’t think I’m a huge slut. You should’ve seen the dress I wore to the...

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Mr. President, Bring Back the Chimney Sweeps
Oct06

Mr. President, Bring Back the Chimney Sweeps

Mr. President, you’ve made an awesome start toward bringing back coal mining jobs and making America great again. But what about the chimney sweeps? These unsung heroes of carbon-based employment have been over-regulated and maligned for more than a century, unable to practice their craft with the dignity their soot-covered bodies and stunted frames deserve. What gives Big Government the right to tell hard-working children that...

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As a Mother and Charmin Bear, I’m Resisting the Country Bears’ Agenda of Hate
Sep27

As a Mother and Charmin Bear, I’m Resisting the Country Bears’ Agenda of Hate

I never considered myself a political animal. My philosophy has always been “all carnivoran mammals of the family Ursidae are created equal.” Is that a political statement? To me, that’s just how I was raised. But ever since the election…ugh. Don’t get me started. I still refuse to call Henry the Country Bear “President.” Puhleeze – a third-rate animatronic Magic Kingdom Jamboree host? It kills me that Mama Berenstain Bear...

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EPA Meeting Notes From the Year 2100
Sep11

EPA Meeting Notes From the Year 2100

EPA Senior Staff Meeting: February 1, 2100 New Trump Tower, Island of Philadelphia Chaired by Acting Director in light of recent events. Multiple staff members complained about dangers of travel during the excessive “hell-like” heat that is mysteriously prevalent during the daytime hours of winter. An agreement was reached to hold future meetings via VR. Weather Robots predict imminent flooding along the Ohio and Kentucky coastlines....

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The Essential Antifa Fact Sheet
Sep08

The Essential Antifa Fact Sheet

The radical leftist group known as Antifa has featured prominently in the media as of late, but many people are still unclear as to who Antifa are and what they do.  In the interest of properly informing our audience, here are some basic facts about Antifa: “Antifa” comes from the Portuguese word for “trust fund” Antifa members wear masks in solidarity with Americans born without faces The first...

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