How You Found Robot Butt: April 2016 Edition
May09

How You Found Robot Butt: April 2016 Edition

“The way of success is the way of continuous pursuit of knowledge.” – Napoleon Hill, Think and Grow Rich With that in mind, here is an unedited list of some search terms used to discover Robot Butt in April: unknowingly naked robot boobs bernie sanders wearing a trump hat good for a boner sexy woman and tractors ted cruz and the joker robot girlfriend is mcdonalds made of human meat dave coulier butt mom puke son...

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5 Ways to Prove Your Superiority Over a Baby
Apr13

5 Ways to Prove Your Superiority Over a Baby

People love fawning over babies like they’re the greatest thing in the world, but they’re not. It’s not even close. Ask yourself: When has a baby ever done something cool like hit a home run or tell a hilarious joke? Never! Even more baffling is that babies can’t even perform basic functions that adults do each and every day. I’m supposed to cheer when a baby spouts gibberish and is barely able to stand...

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How You Found Robot Butt: March 2016 Edition
Apr02

How You Found Robot Butt: March 2016 Edition

“Every mind was made for growth, for knowledge, and its nature is sinned against when it is doomed to ignorance.” – William Ellery Channing With that in mind, here is an unedited list of some search terms used to discover Robot Butt in March: ross and monica too close robot boobs ted cruz looks like dracula disney princess pooping hot disgusted boob tribble sex hillary clinton’s butt how to deal with a...

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Ham is the Worst Meat in the World
Mar29

Ham is the Worst Meat in the World

I didn’t write a 6,000-word longform piece detailing how ham is the worst meat on the planet, but I could if I wanted to. Do you hear me, National Ham Council? I could if I wanted to! But after suffering through another ham-infested Easter, I know I can no longer stand idly by and watch as this subpar meat is prominently featured in two major holidays (Easter and Christmas) and continues to infringe on another (Thanksgiving)....

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7 Signs the Cave Troll You Share an Apartment With May Actually Be Human
Mar25

7 Signs the Cave Troll You Share an Apartment With May Actually Be Human

So you made the move to the big city to follow your dreams of making a name in the art/theatre/music/dance/poetry scene. You were warned to “keep an open mind” and that’s just what you did when you took a room in a cave troll’s apartment. The rent is dirt cheap (just under $900) and the surrounding neighbors are dead silent out of fear. Beyond that, you’re gaining a unique life experience living with a creature from a parallel world....

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Dammit, I’m Gonna Have to Explain Donald Trump to My Grandchildren
Mar08

Dammit, I’m Gonna Have to Explain Donald Trump to My Grandchildren

“Grandpa, why were people so embarrassingly stupid back in your day?” That’s quite a thing for a precocious little boy or girl to ask his/her grandfather, but I know it’s coming. For every state Donald Trump wins this Republican primary season, I grow closer to the dark realization that I will one day have to answer for just what in the hell people were thinking in the year 2016. Now, I know my grandchildren...

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