Practice Mindfulness With These Fucking Mantras
Dec18

Practice Mindfulness With These Fucking Mantras

Women’s lives are fraught with the usual sources of anxiety: competing in an unfair work environment, meeting the demands of family, and finding the time to pluck errant brow hairs all compete to upset the fragile mind/body balance. Fortunately, self-talk has the power to make your aura glow just like those plastic stars you had on your ceiling when you were a teenager. Get your third eye woke with these transformative mantras! 1....

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This Christmas, Your Mother Is Putting an Age Limit on Joy
Dec17

This Christmas, Your Mother Is Putting an Age Limit on Joy

Hi honey, how are you? It is so good that you were able to make it home for the holidays this year. I know how busy your boss keeps you, and your father and I are both so happy to have you home. Now, I am sure you may have noticed something that is a little bit different this holiday season. There is no joy. Christmas has always been such a wonderful time of year full of peace, love, and joy. But some years these warm sentiments are...

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Battles in the War on Christmas I Won While Running Errands
Dec14

Battles in the War on Christmas I Won While Running Errands

The Walgreens War The cashier initially refused to print CHRISTmas on my card order. I prayed for her. For thirty minutes. She gave in. The fifteen people in line behind me all cheered my victory. The Battle of Bergdorf’s The bra fitter waited on her Jewish friends first. I reminded her my strapless bra needs are for a Christmas party. Who needs a strapless bra for a Hanukkah party? The answer: no one. The Santa Standoff A very...

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Healthy Christmas Desserts That Will Make Your Mother-in-Law Say ‘YAS, Bitch!’
Dec14

Healthy Christmas Desserts That Will Make Your Mother-in-Law Say ‘YAS, Bitch!’

Karen, the holidays are stressful, and your mother-in-law, Debbie, does not make them any easier. You know she has hated you since the day Dave brought you home, because that was the day she asked, “What happened to the other one who I liked better? Her name was Sheila! Remember Sheila? I saw on Facebook that Sheila has a wildly popular fashion blog.” It’s okay, Karen. This year will be different. Trust me, Karen. This year will...

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Signs Your Kids Are Too Old to Believe in Santa
Dec14

Signs Your Kids Are Too Old to Believe in Santa

1. Refuse to stop giggling anytime someone mentions Santa coming down a chimney. 2. Offered to give the mall Santa a lap dance. 3. Instead of leaving milk and cookies they want to leave Santa a vape pen and a Four Loko. 4. Mrs. Claus now equals MILF. 5. Told a young cousin that the roadkill they just passed was Rudolph. 6. Asked whether Santa’s Naughty List is backed up on on tape or hard drive. 7. They’ve tried to snort colored...

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The Robot Butt Gift Guide for Your Non-Existent Budget
Dec13

The Robot Butt Gift Guide for Your Non-Existent Budget

Christmas is just around the corner, which means it’s time to figure out what presents to get the loved ones in your life. But what do you get them? You’re cash-strapped, and they are asking for things that aren’t feasible as gifts, like having all their student loans paid for or getting a new president. But fear not! Help is here in the form of this handy list, which can help you navigate the gap between what your friends and family...

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