Pan Pan the Panda Bear Fucked A LOT
Jan02

Pan Pan the Panda Bear Fucked A LOT

Right now, the world is mourning the death of Pan Pan, who was thought to be the oldest male giant panda in the world at 31 years old, which is the equivalent of about 100 human years. But that’s not the most important thing. What we are really celebrating is the fact that Pan Pan banged a TON of panda babes and almost single-handedly saved his species. Pan Pan, who was living out his final days at the China Conservation and...

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Santa Waterboards the Enemy in the War on Christmas
Dec24

Santa Waterboards the Enemy in the War on Christmas

Interrogation Transcript North Pole Detention Camp Location: [REDACTED]  Douglas Fleischer-Hughes, liberal activist, atheist, and professor of Sociology at Oberlin College lies blindfolded and strapped to a wooden gurney that’s trimmed with Christmas lights and a garland. The lower half of the gurney is elevated, so that Fleischer-Hughes’s head is angled 45 degrees downward. General Santa Claus stands over him, chewing a mini candy...

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10 Total Pieces of Shit That Didn’t Bother Decorating for Christmas
Dec23

10 Total Pieces of Shit That Didn’t Bother Decorating for Christmas

1. Ho ho ho! It’s that most wonderful time of the year again when everyone breaks out the eggnog and mistletoe, crams presents under the tree, and decks their houses out to the nines with garish decorations. Well, except for this piece of human garbage.   2. Ohhh, yeah. Sure. You can keep your lawn immaculate and green during one of the worst droughts in recent history, but you can’t spend thirty minutes throwing up a...

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Have You Purchased Your Official $99 Donald Trump Christmas Ornament Yet?
Dec15

Have You Purchased Your Official $99 Donald Trump Christmas Ornament Yet?

Are you looking at your Christmas (that’s right, Christmas – we WON the war) tree this year and thinking, “My God, this tree isn’t doing nearly enough to help make America great again. I need to fix this immediately!”? You’re in luck! For the low price of just $99, you can buy an ornament that shows everyone you’ve never been afraid to say “Merry Christmas,” and now that it’s...

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Ground Rules for Our Fifth Annual Office Holiday Grab Bag
Dec12

Ground Rules for Our Fifth Annual Office Holiday Grab Bag

From: Ron.OConnell@DurkinHerd.com To: Employees of Durkin Herd Subject: Ground Rules for Our Fifth Annual Office Holiday Grab Bag Hey Everyone, Since we’re closing in on the end of the year, I wanted to reach out to lay down some rules for the office holiday grab bag. Just to clarify, this IS the fifth annniversary of the event. As many of you know, it was formerly known as the office “Secret Santa,” but we changed the name to make it...

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Exclusive: Donald Trump’s Letter to Santa
Dec11

Exclusive: Donald Trump’s Letter to Santa

Santa, Wow. What a year. Can you believe it? I’m the president! The ultimate winner! Are you jealous? It’s okay, I know you are and I don’t blame you. I’m very much the greatest. Anyway, you’re probably wondering, with how great I am and, by the way, all the winning I’m doing, what else could I possibly want for Christmas? It’s a good question, really good question. People have been asking it. And while it’s true I already have a lot,...

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