Life Directions From Your Self-Righteous GPS
Dec29

Life Directions From Your Self-Righteous GPS

We’re taking 6th Avenue. Despite usual traffic, you will arrive at your destination by 4 p.m. Okay, let’s go! In a quarter mile, turn left onto 6th Avenue, then turn left. Pothole reported ahead. Caution. Driving over potholes can lead to extensive damage to your automobile. Best not to make the same mistake twice. That was a joke. Ha. Ha. Should I start spending hundreds of dollars on improv classes like you did? Turn left. Continue...

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A Field Guide to Celebrating Kwanzaa With Your Christmas Family in Your Aunt’s Gentrifying Neighborhood
Dec28

A Field Guide to Celebrating Kwanzaa With Your Christmas Family in Your Aunt’s Gentrifying Neighborhood

Explain Kwanzaa to Your Aunt Pat Every year the day after Christmas, Aunt Pat forgets Kwanzaa is a cultural celebration of unity for peoples of the African diaspora, and not “some kind of black magic nonsense.” Be polite, thank her for allowing the kinara prime real estate next to the bedazzled Nutcracker, and use the moment to congratulate her on building home equity in a redlining state despite predatory lending practices. Don’t...

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Places to Hide the Kale So That Your Wife Will Think You Ate It
Dec27

Places to Hide the Kale So That Your Wife Will Think You Ate It

In a safety deposit box In your old VCR in that slot where the videotape goes in In your cowboy hat In other people’s cowboy hats Under the boardwalk In the pipe organ at church If you live in D.C., at the Smithsonian If you live in Seattle, at the Space Needle Under your children’s beds Sprinkled out on the lawn by the weeds In that hole in the tree where the squirrel lives In the tailpipe of the car belonging to your...

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Maximize Your Dry Shampoo This Holiday Season!
Dec23

Maximize Your Dry Shampoo This Holiday Season!

Dry shampoo: A grown-ass woman’s personal Jesus Christ. If the memes are true, all of our scalps are comprised of 90% dry shampoo by the time Friday rolls around. There’s no better time than the busy holiday season to stock up. Here are a few creative ways to use your favorite powdery aerosol lady-product* this December: 1. Create a heavy layer of artificial snow on EVERYTHING! Decorative pinecones? Snow ’em up. Your paperback copy...

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The Best Sledgehammer and Tire Workouts
Dec23

The Best Sledgehammer and Tire Workouts

What you will need: A sledgehammer An old tire placed on its side An overwhelming sense of rage   Workout #1 1. Carefully grip sledgehammer 2. Stand approximately 12 to 18 inches from tire 3. Assume a staggered stance, with one foot slightly in front of the other 4. Swing sledgehammer at tire 5. Repeat until red haze lifts from the world   Workout #2 1. Grab sledgehammer 2. Hit tire with it 3. Repeat until you reach an...

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Cure Your Diabetes With the Power of the Blockchain
Dec19

Cure Your Diabetes With the Power of the Blockchain

Diabetes runs in my family. My mother has it. My grandmother had it. Chances are good that if I keep drinking carbonated corn syrup through a Twizzler for breakfast I’m going to get diabetes too. I’m not worried though because I’m a tech-savvy problem solver. You might have heard of this new technology called the blockchain. What does it do? No one really knows. That’s not important. What matters is that it is really new and really...

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