The Motion-Activated Faucet in Your Office Bathroom Is Just Fucking With You Now
Sep05

The Motion-Activated Faucet in Your Office Bathroom Is Just Fucking With You Now

It started out innocently. At first, when you stuck your hands under the faucet, the water wouldn’t turn on, so you had to thrust your hands forward and back a few times like you were spinning a record on an imaginary turn table. You didn’t think much of it. You were used to little annoyances around your office, like that tall guy named Kevin who always hovers over your desk and sniffles loudly, so what was one more thing? Then things...

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Dear Idaho
Aug30

Dear Idaho

Dear Idaho, If I eat one more mashed potato I WILL DIE. I need you to stop. I know what you’re thinking. Why don’t I just eat the potato in another form? Jokes on you, spud – no matter how you put a potato in your mouth, when you chew, it becomes a mashed potato. There’s no two ways about it. You ever do something that you thought would be a good idea and then it turned out to be awful? Well, that’s where I am. I signed up for...

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How to Subtly Ask If He’d Be Into a Multi-State Murder Spree (Without It Getting Awkward!)
Aug29

How to Subtly Ask If He’d Be Into a Multi-State Murder Spree (Without It Getting Awkward!)

You ever hear about a couple so perfect for each other, your heart can’t help but soar? Like that couple in Nevada who, together, would drive to a strange small town, lure a teenage boy back to their motel room, then drug and dismember him? That adorbs story hits right in the feels! If you’re thinking, “I’d never have the courage to ask my man to murder with me,” you’re not alone. Many women feel nervous about asking a new beau to...

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Can You Get the Property Brothers the Fuck Out of My House?
Aug22

Can You Get the Property Brothers the Fuck Out of My House?

Dear HGTV, Look, I agreed to be on the Property Brothers’ show Property Brothers because my wife goes fucking apeshit for those guys and I couldn’t tell her no. So Jonathan and Drew Scott found a house and fixed that shit right up for us. I’ll admit they did one hell of a job. This place is dope as fuck and I feel like a goddamn king when I come home. But it’s been three months since they finished shooting, and it is high time for the...

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The American Alt-White College Fall Prospectus
Aug19

The American Alt-White College Fall Prospectus

Hey there potential student! Feeling down about all those students of color being accepted over you? Even though you worked hard(ish) through high school and got similar grades? Have no fear, for the newest (basically) Ivy League university has just opened. The American Alt-White College is a school for white students who are tired of facing discrimination and racism when it comes to university acceptance. College admission is tough...

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With Everything That’s Happening Right Now, I’d Like to Announce I’m Selling Diet Pills!
Aug16

With Everything That’s Happening Right Now, I’d Like to Announce I’m Selling Diet Pills!

Hey Errybody! LOL! What’s up all my Facebook amigos? You doing good? You’re about to be doing better! I’m going to make this the best time of your life by offering you something that will make you forget every bad thing happening right now – even the life-threatening ones! How? I’m now a registered representative to sell all-natural diet pills, and I’m offering you a life-changing opportunity! These things are amazing. I’ve been...

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