5 Emergency Alerts We Need in Our Lives
Jan21

5 Emergency Alerts We Need in Our Lives

Look, smartphones are great, but they’re also a constant reminder of how shitty life can be. One day your phone reminds you that your boss is pissed at you, and one day it says you’re going to die a fiery death from a fucking ballistic missile. Emergency alerts are supposed to be helpful, and though this was a huge mistake, it had me thinking, why aren’t there MORE emergency alerts to warn me about shit that actually happens? Here are...

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Apoca-luscious! Beauty Trends for This Nuclear Winter
Jan18

Apoca-luscious! Beauty Trends for This Nuclear Winter

“Do not use conditioner in your hair because it will bind radioactive material to your hair, keeping it from rinsing out easily.” – Ready.gov, “During a Nuclear Blast” What’s hot this season, besides our smoldering cities? Never fear, we’ve got the scoop! Right now it’s all about comfortable chic – light layers and day-to-night looks that fit your lifestyle, whether you’re sheltering in place or...

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Scholarly Synonyms for Sad to Impress Your Therapist With Since You’ve Made No Real Progress
Jan17

Scholarly Synonyms for Sad to Impress Your Therapist With Since You’ve Made No Real Progress

It’s been rough lately, so it’s okay that you aren’t making much progress in therapy. Try out one of these synonyms for sad to make your therapist go “Oh wow” in an impressed way – not a concerned way like normal. 1. Dejected Throw this synonym for sad at Dr. Aman and she’s going to be saying things like “Whoa SAT word alert” instead of “Have you started to forgive your mother?” because you absolutely have not! Now you look...

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Wait for the One (Who Sends You Flirty Late-Night Texts and Then Tells You ‘You’re Not Thinking Clearly’ When You Ask If There’s Something More Between the Two of You!)
Jan08

Wait for the One (Who Sends You Flirty Late-Night Texts and Then Tells You ‘You’re Not Thinking Clearly’ When You Ask If There’s Something More Between the Two of You!)

Ladies! Don’t settle. Wait for the one! More specifically, the one who sends you flirty late-night texts and then tells you that “you’re not thinking clearly” when you ask if there’s something more between the two of you! Yay! I’m talking to the single ladies in their late 20’s and early 30’s. And before you think I’m getting preachy, let me just say that I used to be one of you, so I understand how much it sucks, and I also know...

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Why I Haven’t Been to the Gym in Two-and-a-Half Years (Though I Am Still Paying the Monthly Membership Fee)
Jan05

Why I Haven’t Been to the Gym in Two-and-a-Half Years (Though I Am Still Paying the Monthly Membership Fee)

Is it braggy to say I achieved my fitness goals in the aughts? Seriously, I’m not really in bad shape. I walk everywhere, and a lot of experts, including Dr. Oz, say walking is the best exercise. After walking to the gym, I feel like I have gotten all the exercise I need for the day. I hate how the guy at the front desk talks to me about the weather when I swipe my membership card. I’m not Al Roker. Half the time my membership card...

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How to Lose a Guy in 1-25 Texts
Jan03

How to Lose a Guy in 1-25 Texts

1) Text him something simple like “Hey!” Then send him a picture of a dead bird. 2) Send a follow-up text explaining that the last text was meant to be funny – just so he knows you’re not a psycho. 3) If he doesn’t text you back right away, wait a few minutes, then text him the picture of the dead bird again with a “PS – How are you?” 4) Still no response? No problem! Wait a few minutes...

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