A Letter From a Soldier on the Front Lines of the War on Christmas
Dec12

A Letter From a Soldier on the Front Lines of the War on Christmas

Dearest, I am writing to you in hopes this will reach you in time for the beloved holiday whose name we can no longer let slip from our lips. It is, in fact, why I am fighting in this war, fighting on the side of all that is merry and bright. It is so dark here. They’ve destroyed all of the tinsel and “holiday” tree lights in a massive bonfire on the top of the nearest mountain with Black Friday coupons as the flames’ fuel. The only...

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I Still Cannot Figure Out Hand Turkeys
Nov13

I Still Cannot Figure Out Hand Turkeys

I cannot for the life of me figure out how to draw these hand turkeys. I know I start by putting my hand on the paper. I got that. Then I pick up a pencil. Easy. Then I put the pencil on the paper, lead first. Obvious, I know, but right after this is where I just get totally lost. I start drawing a line up the side of my hand. I get to the top of the pinky, go around it, down to that little skin web in between my fingers, and, oh...

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The Top 9 Avoidable National Tragedies, Had Every Civilian Been Carrying a Gun
Oct19

The Top 9 Avoidable National Tragedies, Had Every Civilian Been Carrying a Gun

1. Abraham Lincoln’s Assassination Theatergoer 1: John Wilkes Booth is making his way toward the president’s box with the intent to yell something in Latin! Theatergoer 2: Not on my watch.   2. Wall Street Crash of 1929 Stockbroker 1: My gun brings me such unbridled confidence, I believe I’ll invest another hundred thousand in the market. Stockbroker 2: Let’s all funnel more money into the already-stable...

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5 Causes of the Civil War That Had Nothing to Do With Raiding General Lee’s Compound Before the Genetically Enhanced Super Soldiers Hatched From Their Eggs
Oct11

5 Causes of the Civil War That Had Nothing to Do With Raiding General Lee’s Compound Before the Genetically Enhanced Super Soldiers Hatched From Their Eggs

History is not a zero-sum game. Understanding why things happen takes a deep knowledge of context and an appreciation for nuance – which is why it’s frustrating that so many people think the only reason we fought the Civil War was to get to General Lee’s compound before it was too late, and his genetically enhanced super soldiers hatched from their eggs, forever eroding Man’s control over the natural world. Believe it or not,...

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The Naples Archaeological Museum and Its Penis Room
Apr28

The Naples Archaeological Museum and Its Penis Room

This post was originally published on Living a Dream. When the situation calls for it, I am a mature person. I can talk comfortably about reproductive health, I can watch a movie with a sex scene and not make a joke, and I can look at nude statues and think nothing of it beyond art. Hell, my senior yearbook quote was about how maturity is just knowing when and where to be immature. I won’t laugh when you fall down because you...

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The Top Five Presidential Haircuts of All Time
Mar21

The Top Five Presidential Haircuts of All Time

Now that it’s March 2017, Americans wake up in the morning, gently pick the crust out of their eyes, pondering its origin, and trudge onwards in harmony with the ever-beating drum of reality. This reality being that Donald Trump has been sworn in as the President of the United States. Trump supporter or not, reality has struck with the might of a Nick Cannon Drumline solo. In honor of our new president, and the Arabian sandstorm...

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