Let’s Talk About How EA Fucked Up the ‘Star Wars Battlefront II’ Loot Boxes
Nov17

Let’s Talk About How EA Fucked Up the ‘Star Wars Battlefront II’ Loot Boxes

Just a couple weeks ago I wrote about how loot boxes got a worse rap than they deserved, and that most major games balance the ways you can unlock content so that while you can pay to do things faster, it doesn’t feel like a necessity. Well, I guess EA heard that and said “Hey, let’s make Tim look like an idiot.” As their new Star Wars game Battlefront II nears release, it has become very clear that they got drunk, took a shit on the...

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100 Words or Less: On Whatever It Is Tom Hanks Is Hiding
Nov17

100 Words or Less: On Whatever It Is Tom Hanks Is Hiding

What are you hiding, Tom Hanks? It’s something big. Peepholes in the SNL dressing rooms? A suitcase full of faces? Dog meat side business? Secret hug closet? World’s biggest snuff film collection? Walt Disney’s head? Adolf Hitler’s head? Both? Both, and you make them kiss? Dendrophilia? Skeleton basement? Nine copies of a book entitled They Were Just Following Orders? Zodiac Killer Etsy shop? The eighteen missing minutes from the...

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Very Reasonable Gifts That Drake Is Collecting for His Yet-To-Be Identified Soulmate
Nov15

Very Reasonable Gifts That Drake Is Collecting for His Yet-To-Be Identified Soulmate

Drake recently revealed that he has been collecting Birkin bags for years, a gift for “the woman I end up with.” Which got me thinking – what else is he collecting for his eventual soulmate? One Mid-Tier Birkin Bag: $20,000 500 Cashmere Turtlenecks: $75,000 Napoleon Bonaparte’s Stolen Penis Purchased From the Daughter of a New Jersey Urologist: $100,000 First Edition Copy of Harry Potter and The Sorcerer’s Stone:...

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Movie Pitches for Disney Once They Acquire 20th Century Fox
Nov13

Movie Pitches for Disney Once They Acquire 20th Century Fox

The world of pop culture was set ablaze last week when word got out that Disney might be buying 20th Century Fox. This was big news, as not only would it allow them to complete their collection of Marvel figures, but it gives them ownership of more big-name franchises. And the best part of owning all these franchises? Crossovers! Yes, everyone loves when things they love are thrown together indiscriminately – Taco Bell has been...

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Oh Great, What’s Next, Tom Hanks Is a Dog Butcher? He’s Not, Right? RIGHT?
Nov09

Oh Great, What’s Next, Tom Hanks Is a Dog Butcher? He’s Not, Right? RIGHT?

At this point, there’s pretty much nothing that would surprise me when it comes to people of status or man-children who filled their diapers all the way to the Oval Office committing heinous acts. In this desperately needed wave of revelations, we’ve seen so many awful people go down in flames that it’s hard not to act like we’ll all just be learning about a new monster each and every day from here on out. But...

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How to Be a Folksinger (If You Don’t Sing or Play Guitar)
Nov09

How to Be a Folksinger (If You Don’t Sing or Play Guitar)

Step 1: Those short-sleeved faux-flannel shirts with the poppable buttons. Acquire several. Step 2: Skim read Alan Lomax’s Wikipedia article. Step 3: Find an old-time music jam sesh at a coffee shop in a gentrified neighborhood and chainsmoke American Best outside. Step 4: Love, bed and leave at least three women who wear braided ponytails and use Mooncups. Step 5: Pretend to shop at the local farmer’s market. Maybe buy...

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