5 Emergency Alerts We Need in Our Lives
Jan21

5 Emergency Alerts We Need in Our Lives

Look, smartphones are great, but they’re also a constant reminder of how shitty life can be. One day your phone reminds you that your boss is pissed at you, and one day it says you’re going to die a fiery death from a fucking ballistic missile. Emergency alerts are supposed to be helpful, and though this was a huge mistake, it had me thinking, why aren’t there MORE emergency alerts to warn me about shit that actually happens? Here are...

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Apoca-luscious! Beauty Trends for This Nuclear Winter
Jan18

Apoca-luscious! Beauty Trends for This Nuclear Winter

“Do not use conditioner in your hair because it will bind radioactive material to your hair, keeping it from rinsing out easily.” – Ready.gov, “During a Nuclear Blast” What’s hot this season, besides our smoldering cities? Never fear, we’ve got the scoop! Right now it’s all about comfortable chic – light layers and day-to-night looks that fit your lifestyle, whether you’re sheltering in place or...

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Scholarly Synonyms for Sad to Impress Your Therapist With Since You’ve Made No Real Progress
Jan17

Scholarly Synonyms for Sad to Impress Your Therapist With Since You’ve Made No Real Progress

It’s been rough lately, so it’s okay that you aren’t making much progress in therapy. Try out one of these synonyms for sad to make your therapist go “Oh wow” in an impressed way – not a concerned way like normal. 1. Dejected Throw this synonym for sad at Dr. Aman and she’s going to be saying things like “Whoa SAT word alert” instead of “Have you started to forgive your mother?” because you absolutely have not! Now you look...

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Donald Trump Has More Mental Stability in His Pinky Toe Than Any of You Sicko Libs Have in Your Entire Bodies
Jan15

Donald Trump Has More Mental Stability in His Pinky Toe Than Any of You Sicko Libs Have in Your Entire Bodies

The Fake News Mainstream Media wants you to believe that our fearless leader is losing his mental stability. We the American people must stand up to the spreading of this fake news just as we have stood for our tremendous National Anthem. I, for one, will fight against any and all bullying that I see these Demon-crats commit against our Commander-in-Chief. I can not, and will not, tolerate any more Fake News. Listen up libs, Donald J....

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President Oprah’s First 100 Days
Jan15

President Oprah’s First 100 Days

Day 1: Stedman will not be the First Gentleman; Gayle will be the First Lady. Day 2: No more Bibles in court, now you swear to tell the truth on a copy of The Secret. Day 3: Everyone gets a vacation to AUSTRALIAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! Day 17: Once we all get back from Australia, immigration reform. Day 28: Everyone in America loses 50 pounds. Day 29: Muslim ban lifted. Day 30: Everyone in America gains back the 50 pounds and an additional 10....

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A Cease and Desist Letter From Scrappy Doo
Jan12

A Cease and Desist Letter From Scrappy Doo

Dear Twitter, Fan Fiction, and the Internet: This CEASE AND DESIST ORDER is to inform you that your actions including but not limited to tweets, retweets, quoted tweets and other social media behavior about my demise in Miami have become unbearable. You may recall I visited Miami during the Shiver and Shake, That Demon’s a Snake case; however, I did not die there. After 10+ years of having to deal with this nonsense, I am demanding...

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